blog leave for the holidays

i'll be on blog leave for a few days. making sure that i will take full advantage of the holidays. hehehe... happy holidays guys!!!!!!!

teaser

posting one of the photos i took last saturday on yoshie's wedding. i am still in the process of editing the others. err... my friend was the one doing the editing. yeah, i do not know how to use photoshop so i had to ask a friend to help me with the editing. please feel free to comment on the photo if it still needs editing. :)

tale of two weddings

i had a long day last saturday (12.20.08). two of my good friends tied the knot on that date and i had to be there. to be honest, i am not so fond of attending weddings because i do not like the fact that you have to dress and put up with something uncomfortable for the day. the last wedding i attended was my brother's a few years back.

i dunno why i agreed to be there in the first place even if i hated dressing up. maybe i just felt that i had to be there for these 2 special people who had been part of my life. drama... hehehe... yoshie, i kept my promise even if it cost me an arm and a leg. hehehe... ;D

to almira and yoshie, two of my good friends, congratulations and best wishes! i hope that your marriage will be showered with God's blessings! i love you both!

ohhh... i just remembered... welcome to my clan. hehehe... what a coincidence... both of you are now mrs. reyes. hehehe...

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i would like to confess that this is the first time i enjoyed being in a wedding... maybe because i have a new toy. it kept me busy and i realized that it was fun taking pictures in such an event. i am deeply considering jumping into serious photography soon. maybe do weddings or food photography. i just need to practice and still need to learn a lot. i hope i get good at this. will post the photos soon. i just have to ask a friend to edit it first before i can post it. :)

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just posting the paintings i recently made. these were given as gifts to my friends who just got married. :)

got it! finally

finally, i got my first dslr last tuesday. after 3 years of striving to save so i can get one... finally, the long wait is over. it was a nerve wracking travel going to hidalgo, quiapo because it was my first time to go there alone. it was an experience looking for the camera shop alone, too. i am glad that everything went well and i've been excitedly fiddling with my new toy since tuesday night. though, i have not gotten too familiar with it. i still need to sleep and go to work you know. hehehe... i hope i'll get used to it and be able to capture good pictures at my friends wedding on saturday. wish me luck. :)

just imagine

i just fell in love with this movie that was not shown mainstream maybe because it's a gay movie. it caught my attention through a newspaper ad. the story was simple and yet i still love it. i am a sucker of romantic films. oh yeah, i am a hopeless romantic. this is the first time i got to watch a movie like this and i am surprised that i love it. i suddenly became a lena headey fan. hehehe... just makes me wonder how i will react if this thing happens to me. finding love in an odd way. i hope i dont get judged by people i love. :)

cute

cute photo. the wonders of photoshop. hehehe...

twilight

i just felt the need to post what i have in mind after watching the movie twilight last saturday. yeah, everyone's raving about it but honestly, i like the book better and i was disappointed with its movie version. well, first i would have preferred someone else play the role of Edward Cullen. i know that you might disagree with me but unfortunately the Edward that i saw on film did not meet my standards of the Edward described in the book. second, i feel that the movie could have been a lot better. the story could have been presented in a much better way. if you did not read the book first before watching the film, you may like it but if you did, chances are that you will agree with me. :) if the folks who made the Harry Potter movie were able to give justice to the book in its film version, i honestly would have hoped the same for twilight. but if i will be asked if i will still watch the sequels, i will. for the hope that these will outbest its previous sequel. but of course, this is only my two cents. :)

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it just happened
dark secrets had been revealed
everyone's sitting on the edge of their seat
intently watching, listening
heart beats intensifying
confusion and fear overlooms
so many unanswered questions
is this the end of these all
we can only hope

day dreaming

i dream of one day taking my mom to this place. island of santorini, greece.

something to look forward to

coming soon in 2009. my favorite cartoon series when i was really young. hehehe...

drool

i have a lot of not so good things to blog about but i'd rather not do it. maybe in the next months or so. i am just too tired to whine. i just want to somehow forget about the not so good stuff that has been happening so i am just posting some stuff that i dream to have. it's a dream because i am pretty sure i will not be able to buy it unless i win a lottery which i do not engage in. hehehe...

pretty isn't it? i can't help but drool over it... hehehe...

dazed and confused

a lot of things kept me busy lately. work was kinda demanding but i never felt tired doing it. a lot of things had been happening and i must admit i got affected with those changes. confused as i was, i made a huge decision that will define my career in the next few years. i was determined to get the job until i got to talk to someone who knew exactly what is going to happen after transition.

all along, i thought that these changes will displace us our jobs and tasks. i was so wrong all this time.

the person who we relied that will explain and clarify everything to us; unfortunately, did not. and because of such, i lost my respect to that person not entirely though. i am still giving him the benefit of the doubt. i just cannot imagine why he, of all people would just leave us hanging like that. tsktsktsk. maybe i just trusted him too much and i am still hoping that he has a very good explanation of all of these.

i must admit that after totally understanding everything and the tasks that we need to accomplish, i now have my doubts if i still wanna jump to that big career opportunity. too bad, i cannot revoke the application i made. on how things are going, it seems that we are 80-90% sure that we already have the job. according to them, the perks are humongous but just like how huge those benefits are, so as the risks, too. if i get axed in the position, i can never go back to my old position before assuming this. sounds fair but i still it scares me a lot. who would want a job with no security. i dunno, but i guess i've been involved too much and too bad, i can no longer turn back. i guess i just have to face whatever consequences this might entail. i just hope everything turns out fine.

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update. i just heard that we had an interview with our boss to be on tuesday morning. it seems that there are 4 candidates for the position and they only need 3. i am laying everything in God's hand. if this is mine, Thy will be done.

changes

it sounds like a title of a song. hehehe... i've been missing blogging. i rarely had time to write anything at all because i am too pre-occupied with a lot of things. work has been pretty challenging lately and now it just got more challenging and complicated. this is already a cliche but i think this summarizes what is happening at work right now: there's nothing permanent in this world but change. hay... will try to blog more. i hope i'll find time. hehehe...

update

it has been a week since i was transfered to a level 2 position. i only had 1 rest day per week so far. not a problem, its extra pay and the work is easy though time consuming. i'd like to say that i have already adjusted to this but here comes a new challenge. we were given a new task that is out of our job description. will go to details soon. for now, wish me luck.

goodbye... hello

today is the first day i officially said goodbye to taking in calls. i was a bit shocked yesterday that i will be transfered to a level 2 position and will be doing an entirely different thing that is very sensitive, delicate and dangerous. sensitive and delicate because we are handling sensitive billing info of the customers... dangerous bec i might not even reach the day of my regularization doing this job. hehehe... i'm pretty sure you know what i am trying to say. :)

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i barely had sleep yesterday because they had to immediately train us to cover the position that were vacated by some colleagues for reasons the management only knows. to be honest, i have a slight clue about that reason; however, i'd rather not go into details. i would like to think that things are going well on my way here however, i can't help but think that my ex-colleagues' fate might be mine soon, too. i just hope that i get to stay until december. that's all that i ask for. God speed. :)

reunion with ghee

these pictures are long overdue for posting. since i don't have a digicam, i had to wait for my friend to upload the pics first. thanks yoshie for the upload! hehehe... so here are some of the pictures. enjoy!

demoralized

i am in a state of limbo. a feeling of nausea engulfs me. if only i can shut off my senses and pretend i am not affected, i am sure i already did. but i feel otherwise. i can feel the chaos all over deeply penetrating into my senses. i've been trying so hard to shake it off, unfortunately, it sticks like a superglue and does not have any plans of leaving soon. i've been trying so hard that i finally i've reached the end of my line. my final button had been pushed and i have made my decision. i am leaving soon who knows when but for sure i will.

dance videos

dismayed

my head is spinning and i am confused. all i am feeling is dismal. i am starting to get discouraged... and demoralized.

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i do not like what is happening. the comfortable next to home, peaceful, harmonious and fun environment that i used to hear and had experienced for a few weeks no longer exists. the place is beginning to feel odd and suffocating like a place no one would like to stay even for a minute. i am beginning to feel discomfort. it's like walking on a thin glass that will break anytime you take a wrong step. i am trying hard to shake it off but until when? i guess until the day comes that i have to leave because they forced me to.

lord, please grant me the strength i need to surpass all of these. i cannot fail this time. i should not fail. amen.

why don't i feel it?!!

disclaimer: please pardon my grammar in this post. i have not double checked this entry. i just felt the need of posting a new entry today. so please forgive me if i had some mistakes. will fix this asap. thanks. :)

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i am staring in front of my computer trying to weave something sensible out of my brain to post here but i cannot think of anything. if i am not mistaken, it's been a month or less since the last time i posted an entry. i would like to think that i intentionally did that but it's otherwise. i had a few things to blog about but i am not sure how to write it. so please forgive me if this entry won't make any sense just like my other previous entries. hehehe...

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my friend from dubai came back to the philippines last wednesday night and i am glad that i got to hear her voice again. she called me on thursday afternoon and to be honest, i did not recognize her voice. boy, it's been 4 and a half years since the last time i heard her voice. i only got to see her in pictures. she invited us to dinner or should i say late night dinner last saturday (july 19). it was a fun night. we spent the night catching up with each other and reminiscing the old times. we were laughing hard. it was a really fun night. one reason, i had a hard time leaving early the group. so i did not mind even if i will arrive home at 5am and that my mom will scold me for going home early in the morning. oh yeah, she still gets angry with me at times for doing things like this. to her, i am still her little daughter. hehehe... we were with our group of friends whom we all met in one of the call centers we worked for in 2003. we just worked together for a few months and yet, the bond we shared is that of friends who've been together for several years. i dunno why but it's just like that. i remember a colleague of ours said that our friendship will only last up to the time that we are still together at work. but he was proven wrong because we already surpassed that. it's been 5 years since then. though, we rarely had time to see each other, our bond is still the same and i believe getting stronger.

let's drop her name. she's rox. everybody loves her because she is such an amiable person. i remember her teary eyed when i resigned from our office in 2004 to transfer to another call center. i can say that she did not change a bit. she is the same bubbly person i used to remember. she still laughs her heart out whenever she finds a joke funny. she still has some issues with her hearing just like before. hehehe... i just realized i missed her that much.

will post our pics when i finally get it. :)

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i should be happy today or should i say elated. i am the number agent for our team in terms of quality scores for this week. i surpassed the top agent of our team and the entire site for the longest time. i didn't expect this. i know i deserve it because i worked hard for it. however, i am feeling nothing. don't get me wrong i am so thankful to our dear Lord about what happened because i have been praying for it. but i think i am feeling the pressure more of surpassing the score i currently have and the consistency of my performance. i just dunno. i know our dear Lord will not fail me. God speed.

it's been a while since the last time a posted an entry. i just don't have time to write my thoughts lately. or maybe because i am too drained to write my thoughts. so here i am trying my best if i can weave something sensible out of my head. hehehe...

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there are a few things that are making me look forward to this month. one, after 5 long years, i will see a good friend again. she worked in dubai for the past 5 years and she's coming back home finally. two, another good friend from canada is coming home this month. however, i will only get to see her in august because she has a full schedule for her entire stay here. and lastly, my team lead told me that i am going to be transferred to a new account because of my good performance. and i think i am the only who would be handling that in our team. i believe that this is a good sign. i hope everything works well.

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i have a feeling that good things are starting to come my way. i just hope they are here to stay. God speed. :)

thoughts

i am starting to understand why there are a lot of people leaving. to be very honest, i am getting one hell of a valid reason to be discouraged everyday. though, i am still studying the situation and i am just waiting for the judgment day. i am having doubts but still i would like to know where all of these will lead me. i'm sure i'll find the answers soon. i hope it's something beneficial to all of us. i also hope that i'll finally find what i've long been looking for. something i truly deserve.

junefourtwothousandeight
seventwentyone am

update

after a week of nesting, we had a new casualty. yeah, she decided to leave and move to a company that will give her a better shift. she had been my bff (best friend forever) since day one or should i say since the day we had passed our final interview. we've been seatmates and we often talk about our views and other stuff and we usually go home together, too. it was just sad that i had to say goodbye to her this early. we instantly clicked maybe because we are almost of the same age. haay... sad. i was not able to convince her to stay because i understand her reasons. to put it bluntly, been there, done that. to be honest, i am not sure about this job, too. however, i am willing to take the risk and step up for the challenge. the only thing i know is that i need this job and i have to stick with it for now. i'm sure i won't think twice if something better comes my way soon. but for now, i definitely think that i should stay.

it's just sad that after next week, i will be letting go of some more people i've grown to be friends with. i have to put up with the challenge of fitting in and making friends again. haay...

maythirtyonetwothousandeight
seventhirtyseven am

sad

12 days. we had a lot of fun. we had a cool group. everybody has his own funny bone to boast. now, it was all over and we had to move on. it saddens me because there is a big possibility that we won't be seeing two people anymore and also the fact that they had to go on their own separate ways with unsolved issues with each other. i am concerned about the friendship that was at stake. it saddens me that they had to end up like that. i hope they can fix things if not now, maybe soon.

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training was over and nesting will start on monday. i am feeling a lot of pressure because my trainer told the owner of the company that i was the topnotcher in her class. yeah, the owner of the company was there during our graduation last friday. he awarded our certificates of completion and got to shake his hands. oh, by the way, the owner is Dan Pena. according to them, he is a very rich guy. i did not expect to be the number 1 in class, all i wanted was to pass the training. fortunately, i did with a big bonus... the pressure of high expectations on my shoulders. well, if you can call it a bonus. but knowing myself, i am sure i will take this as a challenge. whew! i hope i could meet those expectations. god speed.

maytwentyfourtwothousandeight
twelvenoon

last glimpse of a good friend

yesterday, i said goodbye to my very reliable friend for 5 years. i just sold my dearest camera to my older bro. it seems that he needs it that much that he insisted on buying the camera though it is already out-dated. btw, my camera is digital and though it has a low megapixel count, i can say that it takes good pictures. i'm sure my friends will agree to that. you may ask if i already have a replacement camera. my answer, no. i had to sell it due to financial reasons. actually, i am selling all of the gadgets (well, i only have a digi cam and a nano ipod) just to have some money for our daily needs. yup, that's how broke i am. i've been in training for a week now and we won't get paid til the end of the month. i guess, this transaction is just in time. i felt a tinge of sadness in letting go of my dearest friend. however, i had to and i don't have much of a choice. i just hope that one day i get to go back to what i really enjoy doing and finally find that happiness i've been long looking for. the kind of happiness one gets when they love what they are doing.

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it's been a week since i started training for this new company i am working for. training as always is fun. however, i heard a few news that a lot of people from the trainers to the IT personnel are going to resign from the company. this made me think. i cannot shake off the thought. i'm pretty sure there must be something wrong. if not i'm sure they are not going to leave. i am still weighing things and if ever i decide not to continue, i hope i'd find what i am looking for. god speed.

training again

i didn't do anything at all. or maybe that was my fault? why do you always make me feel miserable? why do i always get the blame? am i the bad guy? why are you always pointing your fingers to me? why is it always my fault? i am not your punching bag.

i often choose not to say anything because i know if i start talking i'll get misinterpreted and the short story will be a ten chapter novel that will be reviewed whenever you feel like it. believe me it was an everyday emotional torture until it stops. i wonder how i still get to stay sane. i rarely talk because i know i will only hurt people when i do because more often than not what i say is true. to be honest, i've been bearing with you. i am sticking with you not because of what i am getting from you but because you are my responsibility. how i wish that you realize that you had hurt me several times before whenever you accuse me of things i did not do or whenever you misinterpret and wrong me. worst, you would not accept any further explanation. but i always choose to forget and leave those behind.

you cannot blame me if i choose to feel nothing. to be numb. you cannot blame me that i did not do my part because in my heart i know i did. you just don't see it. i dunno why. you are too pre-occupied with your own miseries that you want me to be miserable, too. believe me or not, i am willing to share your miseries if only you approach me differently. if only you would understand how i feel. if only you would put yourself in my shoes. if only you would master the art of playing numb to all your problems, i am sure you will fully understand my personality.

most of the time, i dared not to explain because your mind is closed to all explanations. often times, i don't even know how to reach you. it seems that we are merely co-existing because we have to. i know we had fallen apart a long time ago because you often judge me. however, i still respected you and i strived hard to gain your approval. i can say that it was my fault because i just let it be. you often say that i don't appreciate what you do. i do and i will be very thankful for that for the rest of my life but the question is... do you appreciate me? they say life is a mirror. you get what you give. i know you had given a lot, but did you ever notice that i had given a lot, too? we are both inexpressive people (not including expressing anger often directed to me) i am sure you had noticed. so don't expect any outpour of emotions from me. this is me, the end result of your molding.

i tried to talk but i was misinterpreted and wronged so i decided to shut up. i know it is not the right option but this had been the case since time immemorial. my opinion does not matter anyway. for me, silence does not always mean yes. it is always giving way. i just hope this silence will echo to your heart and hear the heed of its deepness. i still and will always wish you well.


maysixtwothousandeight
onethree am

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i started training in izone today. it feels weird. hehehe... training will be for 12 days. i hope i'll survive. hehehe...

nice phone

finally

within this month i'll be starting to work again. finally, i found a job. i hope this will be my niche in the coming years. wish me luck kids. :)

i had been job hunting for two consecutive days and up until now, i am still jobless. karma... i think. hehehe...

last thursday, i decided to apply for an email support position in transcom asia in pasig city just beside tiendesitas. the application process went well... i guess. however, i had to spend about 8 hours to finish the process. as expected, there were a lot of applicants hoping to get a job. sad to say, there are a lot of people still jobless and hoping they would be shortlisted for the position. that includes me of course. hehehe...

i ended up going home left hanging because i do not know if i passed or not. sandra, the hr personnel who interviewed me and assisted me for my final test, told me that i may go home after i'm done with the exam. during the interview, she told me that if i pass the email exam which was the last test i did, they will just call me because they still don't have any training schedule for their email account. tough luck.

good thing, i saw an ex-officemate who was applying there, too. we had the chance to talk and he gave me prospective companies where i can apply. the next day, i went to those addresses. to my dismay, they do not process applications immediately and was only asked to leave my resume. haay. what a waste of time, money and effort. but it was fine, i ended up seeing abba because she needed help fixing the soundcard of her laptop. it was also a good opportunity to see each other and catch up.

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before i left abba's cafe last friday, she asked me to check for the price of tarpaulin printing here in our town. i dropped by a printing shop near the national road and to my surprise i saw my brother. he had not contacted us, my mom and me, for almost a year now. he got himself into some trouble that we don't exactly know the details and went hiding in the provinces where our relatives were.

yeah, he is the total opposite of me. he used to be a seminarian and after two or three years, he went out and decided to get married. he is a very adventurous person. he can do whatever he wants and go to places he wanted to go. he is not afraid to mess up and does not care whoever gets affected. he has his own ways. if he wants out, he's out. no thinking twice. just like when he finally decided to get out of his own marriage after two or three years i think. even if he has a two year old daughter who will be left in between. he decided to leave my mom at the height of our family problem and does not want to do anything with us while i decided to stay with her. though, there are few things that we agree upon like our interest in visual arts. i'm afraid that is the only one.

so much about that, so i talked with my brother, asked him a few questions. i was a bit pissed on how he reacted and answered my questions. one liner. not his normal self because he is a very talkative person well... for a guy.

i just told him that there was a package for him at home and that it includes a shirt. at first he was not interested with it and since there was nothing else to say, i bid him goodbye. when i reached home, i received a text message from him asking for the shirt. he asked me to bring the shirt out and he will pick it up. and so he did, he didn't even exerted any effort to see my mom. not even a peek. haayy... i just felt bad how he treated my mom. oh well... what can i do?! he would never listen to me. i tried to talk to him about things but he got angry and would not want to talk with me anymore. haayy...

apriltwentyonetwothousandeight

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my mom and i had been clearing our house with our old stuff. i had posted here about the old books that we sorted and other piles of paper that i used during highschool. last tuesday, i'd decided to clear my college stuff. yup, tons and tons of photocopied books and notes from my other classmates. i was wondering how much money did i spend for a lot of photocopied paper. of course, my mom and i are hoping that we can sell all of them. while going over my college things, i found a few pieces of paper that had to be spared from being sold. there was this one article that i started writing in 1997 or 1998 but was only finished in 2003. it was about my friend and my story. i must admit it was a mushy article. when i started writing it, i felt that our friendship was drifting apart. basta... it is mushy however, i'd decided to end it optimistically in 2003 because the issue had passed and i already had a deep understanding of how friendship should be. so there... i just find it funny how i used to write a few years back. the sentences were so flowery when i can just write it plain and simple, direct to the point. maybe blogging and reading different novels helped me a lot in developing my writing skill. or maybe it is maturity. however, i still cannot say that i am a good writer. all i am saying is that i had improved. that's it. btw, i will try to post the article soon. i just had to revise it. hehehe...

apriltwentyfourtwothousandeight

i miss...

it had been weeks since i last posted. i haven't been writing, too. maybe because there is nothing to write about. i have a boring life to begin with so what do you expect? boring posts i guess. :)
i'd like to think that i had finally recovered from my depression. it lasted for more than a month i think. though, i had a short divertion when i trained in stellar. to be honest, as i am writing this, i only have four pesos in my coin purse and 3000 korean won in my wallet if you can call those money. :) i have never been this broke all my life but it feels funny that i feel okay. though, of course, at the back of my head, i am hoping i would get a job soon... really soon.

last friday, i finally had the courage to submit my application to the picture company. they have a job opening for creative portrait photographer if i remember the position correctly. the requirements pretty much fit someone like me who is an enthusiast and has a lot of learning to do. so there, i sent out my application thru jobstreet. however, up until now i have not heard from them. so i am planning to apply for a call center post again probably tuesday. haay... i was badly hoping that i would not go back. however, i think this is the only opportunity available and unfortunately, with no choice left, i had to take it.

it's been three months of unemployment and my mom is not liking it anymore. whenever we have small talks, the conversation will end up in a not so nice way boiling down to me not having a job and that i am complacent about it. so most of the time i tend to avoid these small talks. but hey, what can i do? we share the same small space and i cannot avoid her all day. haayy...

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i miss...

working

facing a pc for long hours

the unlimited internet surfing

being in an airconditioned room

abba and yoshie

baked penne, chicken dijon, blueberry cheesecake and peppermint iced tea from crib

starbucks

ayala avenue and its buildings

long fx rides

elevator rides

i miss a lot of things. i cannot even blog real time because i am deprived of a broadband connection. haay... i am such a loser. this is how financially challenged i am. i don't even know until when i will have prepaid load for my phone. this is too much and i have to do something about it. wish me luck.

aprilthirteentwothousandeight

eleventenpm

something to smile about

yesterday, my mom and i decided to clean up and check the boxes of our old school books if we can sell them. i found some old photos with my classmates. you won't believe how skinny i was. here are some of the photos:

funny because it brought back a lot of memories. hehehe...

this picture made me really smile because i can still remember how my friend teased me with this guy classmate. we were often seen together because we were working on some art project for the entire class and we were the leaders. you know. art stuff that was our expertise. hehehe...

aprilthreetwothousandeight

i had a tiring day today. i went to see my surgeon for my quarterly check up. arrived there at 10:45am just to find out that their clinic hours during fridays is not until 3:00pm. great. so i left and proceeded to cubao area to submit my resignation letter as requested by china. i left it to the guards and texted my tm informing her that i left my resignation letter there. to my surprise, my co-trainee texted me that i was tagged with "no call no show" by workforce according to our tm. i was just wondering why i was tagged as such when i informed my tm in charge and my trainer that i already dropped out. ang labo. now i am convinced that there is really something wrong with their process. just like how chaotic the first day of SST was. haayyy... the first thing that came to my mind was if i will get my training allowance. so i texted an ex-officemate who works there as workforce. i informed her about the situation and assured me that i should get my allowance because they do not process our payroll yet since i was not yet certified. haay, salamat naman. so there... dumiretso nako sa makati after to get COE from my previous employer. kaya lang they refused to release any document kse nga raw the company does not exist anymore. sayang na naman ang pagod at pamasahe ko ang init pa naman. balik na naman ako sa duktor ko para sa check up. he just got the results of my recent ultrasound tapos... tapos na. wala pa atang 5 minutes un tapos i had to pay 500 na for that. wow! sana pala nagduktor na rin lang ako at least madali ang pera. pero wala rin naman kaming perang pangtustos sa medicine na course kaya it would be best to drop that thought.

i received a text message from someone today inquiring if my ipod nano is still for sale. he is interested with it however, having 2nd thoughts because he saw a 2nd gen ipod nano also for sale for the same selling price. i hope he buys it i badly need cash.

grabeh! puro na lang problema kelan kaya matatapos toh?! alam kong nagwoworry na ang nanay. our resources are fast depleting. i hope i can get a new job asap or if possible sana makalipad ako agad sa dubai sa tulong ni rox. God speed.

marchtwentyeighttwothousandeight

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i received some good news from my ex-co-trainee today. first, she confirmed that i should be able to get my training allowance by april 5 though, workforce tagged me "no call no show" which is equivalent to termination. second, that everyone passed the nesting period. sayang daw, sana itinuloy ko na lang. i must admit that there is a small part of me that doubts my decision last tuesday. what if i continued? what if i passed? i should already have a good paying job and i should have not made my mom worry again about our financial situation. well... i still cannot tell. anything can happen and i am still sure up to this moment that i won't be that happy even if i passed even if i am already getting 23k worth of salary. i am not sure why i cannot explain my main reason of quitting... why i want out... all i know is that there is something wrong and there is something heavy in my heart that i carry whenever i go to work. maybe my mind is set that i would like to try my luck somewhere else. that i have to find my niche and definitely that's not the call center industry anymore... that i want to be out of the call center industry even for whatever consequences it may entail. though, i might get a lower paying job and keep more than one job, i really don't care now. all for the sake of having a normal life i guess. alam ko malabo. alam ko magulo. before all i want was to get a good paying job so i can give my mom a better life and now, i am taking that opportunity for granted. i almost had the best paying job i'd ever had but i let it slip away because i am a coward... i must admit that i hate uncertainties at this point of my life... believe me i used to be a lot braver but due to some unexpected turn of events i dunno why i am showing weakness at this point. i should be more brave than ever because i have a bigger responsibility now but i am not. maybe i am not that strong enough. i guess, i am tired. most part of my life was spent on fighting for something i do not know. all i know is i've been fighting an invisible enemy for years and up until now that battle has not yet been won. i am not even sure about my chances in this battle.

there are a lot of things running in my head right now and i just need to assure myself that i made the right decisions in the past 29 years of my life. that my life was not a waste and that there's still hope that all i dreamt of having for my mom will still come true. that i am not a disappointment just like what my dad thinks.

i might show an impression that i am someone who does not have any ambition in life and very carefree but the truth is i am not. i guess the right opportunity has not yet come or better yet i was just never given a chance to shine. or maybe i am looking too far that i miss out the right opportunities offered. i dunno. all i know is that God has a plan for each one of us and it is our task to find that plan in our life time. i hope i find it soon before i run out of time. i must admit that i play numb most of the time. i refuse to feel any emotions. i live by the moment and puts everything in fate's hands. kaya madalas akong napagkakamalang walang pakialam. im not sure if i already wrote about this before but this is my way of coping because if i dont for sure i'm going to be insane.

im not sure if i have a logical train of thought with this entry. i dunno if i am making any sense, too. all i know is i am thankful to this medium that i get to pour out my thoughts and feelings even if i dunno who reads it. i just hope that i make you realize how lucky you are given that you have found what you are looking for. as for me, i still dunno where life will lead me. all i am hoping for is that i find what i am looking for very soon for i am not getting any younger and i want my mom to experience a better life the sooner possible time because she had enough of hardships and i definitely think it's time to give her a break.

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i have something to confess. i have this fear that i might discover i have a serious disease. i have been noticing some unusual body habits of mine the past months. it all started last february and i am just afraid that its serious. i am keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard that i am just being praning.

marchtwentyninetwothousandeight
elevenfiftyfivepostmeridiantime

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i've been writing more frequently than ever. maybe because i am being too emotional the past few days that i no longer think straight. forgive me for being so melodramatic. i guess the true me is surfacing now. btw, will someone tell me i made the right decision?!

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what i don't know won't hurt me... that is what i always tell myself. play numb about a lot of things... as always... my scape goat. i'm sure i would pass for a scape artist if given a chance. some people would say i am a strong person but in fact it was just a mask.

a few hours back today, i saw my younger "brother"... yeah, i thought i was the youngest, too. well, that was what i thought a few years back. i've been hearing about this from my mom and my older brother before but i just don't care. as i have mentioned, what i don't know won't hurt me or at least what i haven't seen. but it's different when you see the kid with your own eyes. the favored kid over us, the legitimate kids. tsktsktsk... he was being taken cared of by my dad's relatives. to remind you guys, my mom and i lives in a compound with my dad's relatives as neighbors. great, isn't it. old wounds are once again fresh... tsktsktsk...

i know my mom is the most affected by this. i know she is still hurting eventhough, it has been more than 4 years. she wants to leave this place asap. great timing isn't it?! ngayon pang wala akong trabaho. but where are we going to go?! we don't have any place to go and money to spend. kainis. sobra nang kamalasan toh! ewan ko ba?!

marchthirtytwothousandeight

i quit

i made a big decision yesterday. i dropped out of our nesting period after 1 day of taking in calls. i was already assessed yesterday and i was told that i cannot take calls because of my verbatim issues. to be honest, that was not the reason i decided to drop out. i feel that i had enough stress that i can handle for the sake of getting a 23k worth of a job. and i feel that with everything i went through the amount is not worth it. yup, there is always a price to pay for the things we want to have. i must admit i had come so close to finishing and graduating and getting certified, however, i got tired of it. just imagine, being in training for more than a month without an employee-employer relationship, no assurance of getting formally employed, with only a meager amount of training allowance in my pocket, won't that drive you nuts?! i know i was given a chance most of my classmates in sst were not given and i blew it. i think i did not. i did my best to pass but what can i do if i grew tired and can no longer focus on the task at hand?! i've been literally dragging myself since our test bed. i was not supposed to come anymore but i still did hoping they will tell me i did not pass but i did. i guess i just want to hear what they told me yesterday and that was the signal i am long been waiting for. i know i need a job but i think this account is not for me. i well know that i have selective hearing that is why i am also wondering how i got through. i also realized that this account places the lives of the deaf people in our hands therefore we cannot afford to commit mistakes. that made me realize that this account is not for me because i definitely cannot afford to commit that mistake.

my mom took my decision lightly yesterday. however, she no longer does today. maybe she gave this some thought last night and weighed everything she will say to me. unfortunately, it did not come out that nice. but i took it lightly. i must admit it was my fault. i gave up easily when i am almost there. she told me that why do i always quit when i get stressed and encounter difficulties. what she does not realise is that i had enough of stress and difficulties. living my life is already a difficult thing to do. i never had a job that lasted for more than 2 years. i was never lucky with a lot of things even when it comes to family affairs. i belong to a broken family, don't i?! it was not even easy to be the family's bread winner for three years. however, i never complained. i still went on with life and did everything i can to survive. i never even thought of ending my life because i was a very unlucky person. i always think that i just never had the right opportunity and i just have not found what i was looking for. for what that is, i dunno. as i have once told a friend, i will know when i finally find it. i just hope that will be soon... very soon. i hope someone will understand where i am coming from. i am not complaining. just whining as always. i hope you will understand why i had to do this.

you would not believe me how relieved i was when i finally decided to quit. i woke up at peace this morning though, i don't have a job yet. i know deep in my heart i made the right decision because i will never be happy if i did continue. my TM wants to talk to me about my decision however, i refused to. i know they will just encourage me to stay but still cannot guarantee my employment. what's the use?! i just need an assurance. i don't have any doubts on my capabilities i have proven them so many times. i really think i need a change of career. a hotel staff or an english teacher... who knows i just need a new working environment.

btw, there are a lot of things i should be thankful after this very stressful training. one, i lost a lot of weight. thanks to stress and pressure. two, i now type fast. 60-63wpm. before my speed was only average. three, i met new friends. though, i won't see them anymore they will still remain to be my friends. four, i now know how to get to gateway when i commute. five, i now know where to find bottles for collections which i plan to do soon. lastly, i realized that even how strong a person is we can never tell when his strength will disappear. ha?! ano daw?! hehehe...


marchtwentysixtwothousandeight

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i thought i had settled everything about quitting nesting yesterday. i did my part on informing them that i am dropping out however, i received two text messages from my trainer china and tm ton today. china was checking on me and asked why i am not going to work anymore. i told her that i already dropped out and already informed tm euge yesterday. on the other hand, tm ton informed me that he is going to be my tm and asked if i know about the company outing and if i am interested to join. i told him that i know about it however, i am not interested because i already dropped out of nesting. i think they are still trying to save my ass. but i think there's nothing they can do or say that will change my mind. yeah, i had second thoughts of coming back to work but a large part of myself wants to quit badly.

china asked me to submit a resignation letter to tm euge. yeah, i have to write a resignation letter again. i never thought i would this early and i don't understand why i had to. as far as i remember, the training agreement that we signed indicates that there is no employee-employer relationship between us and stellar until we finally get certified. however, i still obliged. so i have to go to stellar tomorrow to submit my resignation letter. anyway, i can go to makati to get my certificate of employment from my previous company.

to be honest, my one month stay at stellar was a real learning experience for both the SST and PST trainings. i learned a lot and I must admit that I also realized a lot of things. Though, I hate to admit it, I feel that this account is not for me. I know long before that I have selective hearing; however, that did not hinder me from being a good Customer Service Rep. Before I thought I am capable of doing anything and that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. However, that is no longer true anymore. This job entails a very big responsibility for the hearing impaired customers and I cannot afford to risk that because i myself have my own “impairment.” I appreciate the concern that they have showed me and for giving me the chance to experience this account. all that i learned from this company will be charged to experience.

bluefrog's closure really made a big impact in my life. to be blunt it made my life miserable. if only they did not close and dismissed us illegally, i won't be experiencing all of these. all the while i thought i will be working there forever. well... that was what i thought because there is no such thing as forever.

marchtwentyseventwothousandeight

long week

i am getting the hang of things during our practice calls today. though, i messed up big time during the hotseat activity where you have to play as an operator using the projector screen. it was nerve racking. i must say that i was very relaxed during that activity because i know that it is ok to make mistakes. so there, i forgot a lot of things and lost track of my verbatim. my trainer commented "ang sakit sa bangs ng verbatim mo russ". hehehe... i just laughed at my mistakes but i make sure i remember them. kaya siguro nung nagpractice calls na kme i got the hang of it. if there is one thing that bothers me, is my typing. baka maligwak ako dahil dun. wish me luck.

marchseventeentwothousandeight
holy monday

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i passed our final written assessment yesterday. it was open notes. the hell, if i did not it would be a real shame. the only thing i am worried is our test bed tomorrow morning. this is the practical or application assessment for us to move on to the next phase which is nesting. i've been depressed since tuesday. the reason, i am not sure. maybe its the uncertainty of the results of this training. i must admit that i am not confident that i will pass. i need to have this job badly that is why i worked hard for it the past two weeks. i am just not sure on how i will fare during the test bed. i swear among all the accounts i handled the past years i was working in a call center, i find this very difficult. i feel that there are a lot of technicalities that you have to master and all the information thought are too much in a span of 2 weeks. yeah, there is only 1 tool to master however there are a lot of hotkeys to memorize and a lot of techniques on how to handle the call. i remember one of our soft skills trainer saying, there is always a price to pay for something. i must admit she is right. i want a high paying job so i have to pay the price of pressure, stress and difficulty. haayy... ang hirap talagang kumita ng pera.

btw, i am not only worried on how i will do on the test bed itself but if i will be able to physically be there on time. i have to be there on saturday morning 3:30am. i am just afraid i won't get a ride going there. it's black saturday early in the morning. i doubt it if there are jeeps or fx available at that time. i will also have a long day today. i'm sure my mom will tag me along to the church to listen to the seven last words of Jesus. after that, she will not go home yet and stay to attend the mass at 4 or 4:30pm to 5:30 or 6pm. it will not end there yet and she had to watch the procession of the saints' images. because there are a lot of images for the procession, it usually ends at 7pm when finally all of these images had gone out of the church premises to go around the town with all the devotees of each saint images. i don't have anything against it. we've been doing this for years and i don't complain and i am not complaining still. its only that this time, i have to sleep at 6pm and wake up at 12midnight to go to work. i just dunno if my mom will understand. she always thinks that i always make an excuse not to do these things because she told me i am always stubborn when it comes to these things. well, i am not. i just have a lot of things to worry and she cannot blame me. i have to support a family. God knows how difficult it is for me but i am hanging in there and im doing my best to be able to succeed. am i starting to whine again?!

update: i saw it coming. magtatalo kme ng nanay about the activities she planned to do today. i don't want to go on details. i hope someone understands me.

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i caught roxy online last tuesday night. she is one of my good friends way back in my SVI days and we remained as friends even we don't see each other for the past 5 years now. we were able to chat for a few minutes. i am glad she's happy in dubai and that she has all her family with her. good for her. she found a niche in a foreign land. we talked about how i was doing and i told her what happened to my past employment. she offered me to go there and she will help me. i told her i will think about it and that i don't have the money to go there and i would definitely not risk it if i don't have a sure job waiting for me. she understood because she well knows that i am the sole bread winner of my family. she told me to check IPAMS if they have job openings because the agency sent her to dubai without paying anything. to be honest, i am seriously thinking about it. i'd do anything to get a good paying job.

marchtwentyonetwothousandeight
good friday

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sleepy day today. i was not able to get enough sleep last night. buti na lang nakalusot ako sa final assessment namin today. crucial stage na next week. nesting. wish me luck pag d ako nakalusot dito baka makapunta ako ng dubai ng di oras.

marchtwentytwotwothousandeight

pressure

it had been a week since i started with product training. i must admit i am struggling with some of the lessons especially the call flow. it seemed easy during discussion however, when you start applying all the concepts... wahlah... i don't remember anything. good thing, i was taking notes. i am also struggling memorizing. haayy... i think age is taking it's toll in me. i was used to memorizing when i was still studying. believe me... i used to be a lot smarter than today. i am afraid na lugaw na ang utak ko because of the type of work i used to have. haayy... i hope i pass this and get the job. God speed.

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holy week is starting tomorrow. syempre, may pasok kme. nakakatamad kse everyone's on vacation tapos may pasok ka. kainis. di pa naman kme double pay. at last week na namin for product training and as usual hahatulan ulit kami on friday. i am afraid that i will not pass but i am not afraid to fail. ang labo ba?!

and the verdict is...

it's 12:34 AM march 6, 2008. in a few hours, i will know my verdict. yeah, today is the judgement day of our soft skills training. i know there is a big possibility that i will pass. however, i am not confident about my typing speed. til now, i am only hitting 58 words per minute. well, that is consistently. i sometimes hit 60-64 wpm but as i have mentioned that is only sometimes. goodluck.

if fate won't be that nice to me later, i still have a fallback. my cousin is offering a part-time job. i can do that for the meantime. i am also thinking of doing part-time teaching. where i am not sure.

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there is something about moms that we (who are not yet moms) don't have. it's the mother's intuition. my mom kept on telling me that since the year started, she felt that i don't want to work anymore. well, as i have previously blogged, this is true. ang galing nya noh?! to think i have not told her about this. :)


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i'm seriously thinking of what to do next. my plan b, c, d, and so on after stellar. i want to put up a business but what kind of business? where will i get the money as capital? mukhang hanggang pangarap na lang ako.

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there is a new hotel that will open soon in our town. i am thinking of applying there. however, i don't have any experience working in a hotel and i'm sure they are going to look for people who have experience. pagkakataon ko na sanang magbago ng career. i guess, i have to wish harder. hehehe...

marchsixtwothousandeight

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finally, the anxiousness i've been feeling since day one and the thought if i will pass the soft skills training was done. luckily, i passed along with 10 co-trainees. thanks to the good Lord. He did not left my side during that day.

it was a long day. our day started at 1pm and we all went home at 1:30 AM. we all waited for the results of everyone else. some received bad news but most of us had smiles on their faces because the hard work paid off. it was just sad that some failed because of some issues with their accent and grammar. its just that the training that was provided for the soft skills was not aligned to what the client wants. they want a neutral accent. those who failed mimicked the accent that they heard in the recordings presented by the trainers and the client was not that pleased with that. that was their only fault. they want the trainees to speak naturally and fluently. good thing, i was not that nervous and i focused on the things i was supposed to do or else, they could have heard my neverending fillers. hehehe...

there was this one co-trainee who is really nice. she kept on commenting about how relaxed i was. she called me monster because i was not showing any sign of nervousness. nakuha ko pa raw antukin samantalang siya ay halos himatayin na sa kaba. they didn't know that i was silently praying that time. i just told them that i was already sleepy and would like to sleep. i prayed that whatever His will, it shall be done. maybe that was also the reason i was so relaxed and confident. i know that whatever the result is, it is His plan and it would be what's best for me.

the interview with the client went well. the interviewer was nice. syempre, kinabahan ako nung naka-upo na ko sa room at kausap ko na ung client over the phone. plus the fact that the room was freezing cold. good thing i had a jacket. he liked the fact the i like neil gaiman. he even asked what are my favorites among his books. the interview lasted for 15-20 minutes i guess. i did not take note of the time anymore. after it was over and done with, i was just so relieved. i really can't describe how it felt. i was not even nervous about the results. i just dunno why i was so confident that day to the extent that i didn't even care what the results will be. all i know was it was done and i can go home in a few hours. however, that didn't happen because after my turn i felt that everyone needs some moral support which i gladly provided.

after finishing 5 people for the first batch, (by the way, i was the third person to be interviewed) they called us for the results. we were called one by one into a room and the results were read to us by 4 people. they were all poker faced. initially, i was asked about how i was feeling. i replied with a casual and confident "i'm good." then, they asked me how do i feel about my performance during the interview with the client. again, i replied with a confident "i think it's ok." oh di ba?! ibang klaseng confidence level ito. afterwards, the girl started to read the comments of the client and the errors i commited and my mispronounced words. i had one misspelled word too during the dictation part and the lady told me that during nesting some trainees are dropped because of that and asked if it's ok with me. at the instance, i felt a tinge of nervousness. just a tinge and only during that time. however, i still replied with my usual walang pakialam tone... "yeah... sure." then, she proceeded and said... so on monday... you will go back for your product training. then, they all started laughing. woah! what a great way of getting punked. hehehe... one of the lady trainers told me to maintain my confidence and share it to everyone else outside. i dunno how i looked and how they felt during that time for her to tell that. maybe i was just so relaxed because i felt that i just have to. ang labo ba?! hehehe...

i am both happy and sad. happy... because most of us passed. sad... because some people were not given a chance to prove themselves because they were dropped from the list. however, if they were only given that chance, i am quite sure that they could have shined. too bad, they were misjudged and they were judged prematurely. life is really unfair.

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i have this one thought that's been bothering me since the other night. i would like to try teaching if given a chance. preferably, speech. i know i have my slips. however, i believe that it can be worked on. i am seriously considering to take a part time job as a speech teacher. the only problem is... if there will be a high school here in our town that will allow me to teach part time while keeping a call center job. hay. there are so many things i would like to do with limited time and resources. tsktsktsk.

marchseventwothousandeight

long week

i started my training in stellar last monday. i had a long week. i didn't know that traffic was that horrible going to cubao. this is the first time i am going to work there. kaya ayun, tiis lang. instead of taking one straight trip going to araneta center, i had to cut my trip to two short ones so i won't get late. for some odd reason, there are no fx available in the morning so i had to ride a jeepney instead. traffic is always horrible going home. haay. grabe. everyday, i see a different route going home because the fx driver looks for a way to ignore traffic, however, kahit saan ka sumuot may traffic pa rin. tsktsktsk...

the training was fun. may epal nga lang akong classmate. i think he is in his late 40's or early 50's. and i believe may superiority complex sya. i guess i don't have to elaborate further. yun na.

to be honest, mas nag-enjoy ako sa training nung nabawasan kami. the rest were endorsed for interview. if they pass, they move on to the next phase of the training which is product specific training. the list of those to be accelerated were announced last thursday. initially, i was part of the list. ako pa nga ang unang tinawag eh at sobrang nagulat ako. i don't have questions about my capabilities when it comes to my communication skills. however, i still have not met the required 60 words per minute requirement for typing speed to be shortlisted for the interview. so, i spoke with my trainer and told him about it. he told me that he forgot about my typing speed. kaya ayun balik soft skills training ako. :)

wala namang problema sa akin kse d n'yo naitatanong may pagka-O.C. ako. konti lang naman. there are certain things na hindi pwedeng pwede na para sa akin. just like this training. ayoko namang mapag-iwanan ako ng mga kasama ko. meaning, everyone was hitting the required typing speed tapos ako hindi at kulelat. ayoko naman ng ganun. i just felt that if i would be going to war i have to be prepared and not just prepared, but equally prepared just like the enemies i would be facing. e ganun din naman, if you don't pass the interview you will go back to soft skills training. so i'd rather stay to enhance my skills more so i would be well prepared for the interview. since i want this job, i will make sure that after training i am equipped with all the necessary skills that i will need to pass the interview. at gagawin ko lahat ng paraan para ma-achieve ko yung goal na yun. ang arte ko noh?! hehehe...

btw, yoshie passed the interview last friday. congrats dear!

last thursday, kamuntik nang mag-weekend mode ang katawan ko. kse naman d ako sanay pumasok ng 5 days. i had the 12 by 3 sked for 4 months so medyo nanibago ako. sa totoo lang, kahit mas malapit ang cubao sa lugar namin, mas matagal pang bumiyahe papunta dun kumpara sa makati. the only difference is, it is not difficult to get a ride going home unlike in makati and ortigas.

my week did not end last friday. i had to go to the medical city for an ultrasound schedule. yup, it's the routine check-up that i have to do every 6 months. ang gastos nga e. nalagasan na naman ako ng 1,680. wala pa akong trabaho nyan. grabeh. buti na lang may credit card. hehehe...

sorry for the long post. kagaya nga ng kwento ko, i had a long week with matching long days kaya ngayon lang nakapag-post. i hope i will move on to the next phase of this training. i hope i will pass the interview. if not, i know there is a better plan for me. God speed. :)

something to laugh about :)

i have a new job woohoo!

its 2:13am february 16, 2008 and i still can't sleep. i just got home from my final interview in jp morgan. the supposedly 9pm scheduled interview was conducted at 11pm. sweet isn't it?! and the best thing about this is the interview itself lasted for only 15 minutes. isn't that great?! oh, there's one more great thing about it. they said that they will further evaluate the results of the interview and that they will keep in touch. great. it's a better and paraphrased version of the usual line when you didn't meet their expectations, we will just call you. oh well, move on. next company please.

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hindi ko maipaliwanag ang mga nangyayari sa akin nitong mga nakaraang araw. natatandaan ko na dati ay mabilis akong matanggap sa mga inaaplayan ko pero bakit parang hindi na ata pareho ng dati ang mga nangyayari ngayon. dahil ba wala sa loob ko ang paghahanap ng trabaho? at napipilitan lang ako? dahil ba namimili na ako ng trabahong gusto kong pasukan? at gusto ko na ng ibang trabaho bukod sa call center? pero ano naman ang papasukin kong trabaho kung halos 4 na taon na ako sa ganitong klase ng trabaho? hindi ko rin alam ang sagot. sana lang alam ko.

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i felt like crying again. i am just holding back my tears. i dunno if it was because of frustration or out of anger. i am beginning to doubt my capabilities as an individual. or am i just self pitying (if there is such a word). i can't stay this way for a long time. i'm back in my previous state of staring to nothingness. i just can't help but think. i am confused. lost. help. please.

februarysixteentwothousandeight


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i got the chance to see yoshie and ron, yesterday. it's nice seeing them again. as usual, neverending ang aming kwentuhan at tawanan. the best part is yung panlilibre ni ron at syempre, yung pasalubong ni yosh. its not that much pero its the thought and effort that counts. hehehe... nakuha ko na rin pala yung speakers ko from them. its been years finally nakuha ko na. hehehe... thanks a bunch guys! :) i had a very nice day kahapon na 3am na gising pa rin ako dahil sa taas ng energy ko. hahaha...

pagdating na pagdating ko pa lang, in-assemble ko na agad yung speakers. d naman ako nahirapan to figure it out. mahilig kse ako magkutingting ng kung anu-ano. hehehe... instead of installing it in my pc, i've decided to put it beside our tv and use it as an iPod speaker. kaya ayun, non-stop at long playing ang mga kanta dito ngayon. hehehe...

i think i had overcome my depression the past day. i just hope everything's going to be ok. tomorrow, i am going to apply for another job. i hope this one is it. the one in stored for me. God speed. :)

februaryeighteentwothousandeight

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yesterday, yoshie and i went to apply for an ip relay post in stellar. luckily, we got the job. we are going to start training on monday. my mom's hesitant about the job because during training we are going to receive training allowance only. i hope everything will turn out well. i badly need this job. God speed.

februarytwentytwothousandeight