drain

an hour and a half of waiting
to my shock a panel of interviewers
an endless set of questions
for a time that seems to be eternal
a sudden mental block to a simple question
equals a big disaster

made me think of what i am applying for
confused as ever like i usually am
no hopes for me that i would get it
drop it and move on
maybe there's a better plan for me
only He who knows

tomorrow's going to be a new day
optimism helps me get by
hoping that the next day
will be brighter than the others
and the sun will finally shine upon us

----------------

i would like to share with you kids a prayer i got from didache, a quarterly Catholic Daily Bible Refleion Guide. this helped me get by those days of uncertainties and depression. i hope this will be of help to you, too. :)

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.

----------------

another final interview for me today at 9pm. i hate to go out of our house at night but what can i do there is no earlier schedule available and i badly need a job. kung pwede lang na di na magtrabaho. hay. bakit kaya lagi na lang akong walang choice? i know one has always a choice but i have to consider the people around me, too. i will be very selfish kung yung sarili ko lang iisipin ko. bakit ba napaka-kumplikado ng buhay? d b pwedeng simple na lang? kahit ako d ko alam ang sagot. gusto ko lang naman ng maayos na trabaho. meron naman ako dating trabaho kung bakit kse biglang nagsara. hindi ko alam kung malas lang talaga ako kse tignan nyo ha?! ung appraisal ko at salary increase dapat nung feb 7 pero dahil d n kme pinapasok since jan 15, wala na. kainis. hay, ang buhay nga naman parang life talaga.

update

i finally had the courage to get up early and apply for work last monday. the usual things happened. i undergone an initial interview and took batteries of exams. the interview with karen went well. she reminds me of elna. a friend and former officemate in convergys. she laughs like her, too. i did not feel any nervousness during the interview because it felt like i was just with a friend telling chismis with one another. the ambiance was really very light that i tell some jokes that made karen laugh. the grammar test was easy. i just had to rely on my intuition. in short, nanghula ako. hehehe... the IQ test was familiar. if i am not mistaken, i had taken that same exact test for 6 or more times already. though, i think i did not answer the math questions correctly. hehehe... after taking the exams, i was instructed to go home and they will contact me for the schedule of my final interview. i just dunno when that will be. maybe they did not take me seriously because of the interview. or maybe because of my asking price. hehehe... oh well, that's fine. next stop and that will be jp morgan. :)

---------------

yoshie's coming back home today. i'm so excited. i know that we don't see each other that often and it usually takes a month or more but the thought that she is not in the country is really different. will surely see her soon. can't wait. hehehe...

februarytwelvetwothousandeight

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i received a call from karen this morning informing me that i will have my final interview with their operations manager tomorrow at 2pm. i'll keep you posted on the results. wish me luck kids. :)

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i set up a home made photo studio yesterday. first, i've decided to use natural light but since the sun was a bit shy to shine really bright yesterday, i've decided to use the light above our dinner table. i just hope i had an alternative light source so i can get the lighting effect that i want. for the pics please click here. they have been enhanced in photoshop while the two black and whites were desaturated through photoshop, too. feel free to comment on the pics. enjoy. :)

februarythirteentwothousandeight

start of bad luck

i can't believe how unlucky i am today. i finally decided to go out and apply for a job today. i was previously scheduled last wednesday for an interview and who knows what will be the next steps. however, due to unfortunate turn of events, i woke up with a bad headache. so, i ended up going back to sleep. kaya eto, nakarma na ako. hehehe... to add to that, the sole of my shoes broke. the reason, i dunno. as far as i know, the shoe i am wearing is still new. i think i used it for just a few times so i was so surprised that it fell off from the leather body of my shoes. i ended up buying slippers. hay. malas. i just can't help but wonder if the bad luck for horse signs is already starting. wag naman sana.

how will i tell my mom that i still don't want to look for a job when i am the sole bread winner of the family. hay. nakakapagod rin pala. :(

one week blog entry

sorry for this long post. i don't have an internet connection at home so, i compiled all my thoughts in my computer. i only had time to post this today. so, here goes:

SWEET

last tuesday, we just received a letter from the management informing us that the company is terminating our employment effective february 15, 2008. However, due to the continuous financial loses of the company, we are not going to receive any separation pay. sweet.

-------------

i can't help but stare blankly at anything and anywhere. my brain refuses to think to the extent that i don't want to feel anything anymore. the start of the year is just not good for me. everything is just a mess. i got sick, i lost my job, now i am not going to get anything from the company i worked for a year and a half. sweet.

as far as i know, i was a good employee. i was rarely absent. i only do when i am really sick and not able go to work. i did my job well. i was loyal to the company even during the time they deprived us of our healthcard, food and transportation allowances. i saw it happen when the other employees came and went. together with the others, i stayed. and now, a few more people and i were left in vain.

one more question is hanging though, the uncertainty of the remaining salary that we should receive. that will be a big blow for me. i am unemployed. i am the family's bread winner. where are we going to get our daily needs? bummer.

-------------

with everything in mind... you cannot blame me if i wouldn't want to think or feel anything anymore.

januarytwentyninetwothousandeight


-------------

MAYBE

it feels like forever staying at home without looking forward to any work the next day. it's just been two weeks and yet it felt like it's been a month. i've thought of doing a lot of things. oh, i want to correct that. i want to DO a lot of things. or better yet i want to HAVE a lot of things. things that i have been planning to get way before but due to lack of time i failed to. however, i could not acquire them these days because of financial constraints. life is really sweet. isn't it?! :)

i started painting again after a few months when we got dumped on an art fair. the smell of oil paint and the sight of brushes, paint tubes and the finished works kept me sane lately. painting is the only thing that makes my brain work and makes me feel some happiness after the hard work. it feels like i was being transported to a different dimension whenever i started holding my paint brush. the same feeling when i am holding a camera. i never thought that one day i would be dragged back to something i love doing the most.

i am being melodramatic again. i must say i have not recovered yet. though, i don't feel like crying anymore. i still stare blankly most of the time. there are a lot of things running in my head. however, they are random thoughts that needs to be sorted. maybe i am just worried on what will happen to me and my mom. maybe i am worried that i won't pass the job i desire to get. or maybe i am getting tired of how my life has been for the past 29 years. maybe...

januarythirtytwothousandeight
elevenfiftysixpm

------------

i can feel that depression is eating me up. i just can't explain the feeling. sometimes, i feel okay but most of the time, i don't. i know i should not be depressed because anytime soon when i start looking for a job, i know i will definitely get one. the only question is will i be able to stay long in that job. to be honest, i don't know what i am looking for. definitely, i would like to get a high paying job. who does not want that?! of course, everyone i assume. money drives people to work hard and it is no different in my case. i've been at home for a long time already and i think my cough's going to stay with me for good because up until now, i still have it. life sucks. bummer.

----------

as i am writing this, it is already 5:30pm. we should have had our salary today. however, there is still no news if we are going to get it. what will happen to me and my mom?! bummer.


januarythirtyonetwothousandeight

----------

i think i am going to get insane. the news i am most frightened of, hit us all point blank. the company refusesd to pay us even a cent because according to our COO, the company does not exist anymore. hello?! didn't you just indicate in the document you gave us that our employment will be terminated on feb 15?! and what date is it today?! its not even the 15th of the month. so legally, we are still under your employment. and now you refuse to pay us?! i don't have enough words how to call you. i cannot even call you a human being for all the inhuman treatment we received from you, to think that you are also a filipino. how dare you treat us like garbage when during the hard times we did not waver and left the company. i can't believe that one day i would meet a person like you. i can't even put to words how to describe you. you are the worst of all the worst things i've ever known of. i hope this is the last time i'll ever meet someone like you and i hope that all the bad things you did to us will come back to you.

btw, i would like to warn the people who would trust these people to run their company in the philippines. beware, in a year or two your company will close down too because they do not care for your company. they only care for themselves and what they can get from you. they are like leeches that will suck your blood and get the life out of you. so beware. i'm sure you will swear that you should have not met and trusted these people.

-----------

today, i ran out of medicines for my daily medication. but what can i do?! i don't have any money to buy any medicines anymore. i hope the same fate won't happen to my mom. life really sucks these days.

februaryonetwothousandeight

----------

i am feeling a bit better now. painting for a few hours really helps me get by each day and also the tv programs my mom and i regularly watch. well, not to mention the korean tv series which is dubbed in tagalog that i am so addicted with. they keep me sane each day. not to mention, the small talks that my mom and i occasionally have. sometimes she whines, madalas sermon ang abot ko.

---------

i been thinking of asking financial help from my dad. my mom and i already talked about it. at first, she thought it was a bad idea. however, it is worth giving a try. the question is... is he willing to give us money. that... is... the big question. he already refused to give us financial support for more than a year and because of that i shouldered the responsibility. it is also the reason i've been really distracted for weeks already. i just wonder if he will oblige if i ask him. i have not talked with him for more than 3 years since the day he stepped out of our house. he never exerted any effort to see and talk to me, neither did i. i guess we are both too proud to make the first step. or maybe i was just too afraid to face him. the fear resurfaces whenever i see him and the sight of him brings back the frightful incident between him and my mom that day before he left. during that day, i was so afraid that all i did was cry. i never thought that i would be crying that hard because the last time i remembered crying that much was when i was 9 or 10 years old. and i never thought he would have ever done those things. suddenly, it felt that he turned into a monster. a monster ready to inflict harm to anything or anyone that will block his way. good thing my mom was a real fighter. a strong woman i truly admire. she did not hesitate for a bit and did not allow them to hurt any of us two. it was a very fateful day. no one got hurt, thank God. its been more than 3 years but whenever i go back to that day everything seems so fresh. i've been trying to forget that day. however, i guess it will take more time to do so.

---------------

i am still worried about what will happen to me and my mom. i am still optimistic that the good Lord will help us get by each day. i thank a couple of friends who offered to lend me money for our daily needs whom i politely declined. my mom was able to keep a few bucks that will hopefully help us get by until i finally get a job. and i am also hoping that i could get a part time job while we are waiting for the result of the case we filed against a not so very nice person that i hope will be the last that i get to meet. i am also hoping that i'll get a job as soon as i start job hunting. all in God's grace. God speed.

februarytwotwothousandeight
elevenfortyfour pm

last day

kahapon, sinabihan kami na pwede na kaming di pumasok til feb 15. the company's going to declare bankcruptcy on the said date and we are closing. ang konsuwelo na lang namin e, may sweldo pa kami til feb 15. di pa kasama ung separation pay.

nakakalungkot kasi matagal din akong nagtrabaho dun sa kumpanyang un. malungkot... kse ung mga taong naging malapit sa'yo hindi mo na makikita, ka-text na lang... kse panibagong pakikisama na naman sa bago mong pagtatrabahuhan... kse wala nang petiks mode... kse wala nang libreng unlimited internet browsing at video streaming... kse wala nang libreng online games...

i'm sure maninibago ako ng todo. lalo na sa trabaho. masyado na kseng naging second nature sa aking ung trabaho ko. kahit na sabihin nilang boring para sa aking eto pa rin ang pinamasaya, pinakamadaling naging trabaho ko. sobrang convenient pa ng schedule. 12 hours per day, 3 times a week. bongga di ba?! kahit hindi masyadong bongga ang sweldo ko dito e ok pa rin naman kse di patayan ang trabaho. mababait pati ung mga supervisors namin though, ung iba e ok lang. :D pero ganun talaga ang buhay e kailangang magmove on.

too bad, some good things never last. i will surely miss the people i have worked with, especially the friends i made.

good luck sa job hunting sa ating lahat. :)

weirdo

i forgot to thank all of my friends who remembered and exerted quite an effort to greet me on my birthday. thanks for reminding me that another year has been added to my life span. hehehe...

---------

previously, i blogged about the weird emotions i am going through. due to unknown reason, i felt sad on the day of my birthday. and i am afraid that this it has no intention of leaving me sooner. since the year started, i know something is wrong with me. i feel so down on new year's eve. i thought it was just because i caught colds. however, the sad feeling still remains and unfortunately continuing. lately, a sudden feeling of sadness envelopes me whenever my brain is not occupied with something. i am alarmed by the situation because i never felt this way before. that is, feeling sad with no particular reason. isn't it weird?! or crazy perhaps?! however, i tried thinking of any reasons i might be feeling this way, i just can't find the answers.

last thursday night, i had a dream. all i can remember was i was crying. the reason, i don't remember. when i woke up, i found tears in my eyes. i actually cried while i was asleep.

this makes me think, ganito ba talaga pag tumatanda na? samut-saring emosyon ang nararamdaman mo?! hay.


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kahit ganito ang buhay at medyo nakakaloka e, may bago na naman akong kinalolokohan. as usual korean nobela na naman. hindi ko alam kung ano meron ang mga drama series na ito at na-aadik ako. siguro dahil na rin sa kakaiba nilang mga kuwento o dahil nagsawa na rin ako sa paikot-ikot na kwento mga teleserye sa lokal TV. dahil na rin siguro madalas e, nakakarelate ako sa mga karakter ng istorya nila.

first few episodes pa lng ng coffee prince ang napalabas sa gma7 pero natapos ko na syang panoorin sa internet. medyo mahirap nga lang manood na nagbabasa ng english subtitles na madalas e kulang ung translation kaya kahit natapos ko nang panoorin e sinusubaybayan ko pa rin sa lokal TV. highly recommended ko ang coffee prince hindi dahil paborito ko si eun hye na bida rin sa princess hours. the storyline is not the typical ones you have watched. i'm sure you kids will like it too. :)

not so happy birthday

i celebrated my 29th birthday last january 6. i was supposed to be happy, right?! because it was my birthday. it just felt weird because i felt otherwise. i dunno why. that was the first time i felt odd during my birthday. haay. ganun ata talaga pag tumatanda na. tsktsktsk. :)

happy new year

funny

this is funny. i never knew about this. matagal na pala toh. hehehe...

MyLiveComments

haay buhay

nalagasan na naman kme ng 2 tao pagkatapos magtanggal ng marami nung december 10. nakakalungkot kse ung isang natanggal ay ang una kong naging kaibigan dito sa opisina. wala na ang sparing partner ko kaya malungkot na. wala na ang kasama ko sa kalokohan at sa mga side trips sa gabi bago umuwi. lalo na sa pagkain. malabo na ulit kme magkita nun kse sa bundok ako nakatira. haay. sana naman may makita akong mas maayos na trabaho ung permanente at pangmatagalan para mapagawa ko na ung bahay na gusto namin. haay.

goodbye

last week, we said goodbye to a dear colleague who is now with the good Lord. last monday, we said goodbye to some colleagues who had been retrenched. sad. we have to prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

canvas

my canvases are arriving soon. makakapagpinta na ako. after 4 long years, ngayon lang ulit ako magpipinta. excited na ako. :) buti na lang, i have a good friend who is painting too and she encouraged me to paint again. s'ya rin nag-volunteer na ipagpapagawa nya ako ng canvas. thanks abba. :) basta, i am looking forward to the day that i will pick up the brush again. ang drama ko. hahaha!

paalam kaibigan

salamat sa lahat ng ngiti na dulot mo
bagamat sandali lang ang ating pinagsamahan
maligaya ako dahil kahit papaano tayo'y nagkakilala
salamat sa masasayang sandali na magpapangiti pa rin sa akin tuwina
kahit na sa pagkakataong ito'y may halo nang lungkot ang mga 'yon
subalit hindi ako dapat mabahala dahil nasa mabuti ka nang mga kamay
doon ay wala nang sakit, hirap at pighati kang mararanasan

paalam, baunin mo ang aking panalangin
alam kong isang araw magkikita tayong muli
doon sa lugar na puno ng walang hanggang ligaya
salamat sa mga alaala
hanggang sa muli, kaibigan.

some pics

here are some pics from allan's digicam during our town fiesta last november 23. this is kinda late for posting. i'm a bit lazy to write something so photo blogging for now. :)

i bought a new rubber shoes yesterday. after 2 years, i finally have an alternate to my ever reliable merrell shoes. this is the pair of shoes i bought.

i remember posting here last may a picture of the next merrell that i will buy. however, i did not find one here in the philippines. too bad.

loyalty to this brand? i guess so. though it is a bit pricy, it's one hell of a tough shoe. i wear my merrell almost everyday whenever i go out and it's still in good condition to think it's been 2 years old. :)

jeans

yesterday, i got so frustrated looking for jeans. if only i don't need to buy a new pair, i won't waste time looking for one. i just hate the fact how jeans often change. i mean their size and style. before, when i was still using midwaist jeans, there were a lot of low rise jeans. now, that i am looking for low rise jeans, i just can't find what i am looking for. weird, isn't it?! their low rise jeans does not look like one anymore. the sales people will assure you that they are low rise but when you try to fit it, it's not. haaay... can someone help me get a pair of jeans??!!!

ghost

a ghost from my past just haunted me. after three or four years of absence, he made himself felt yesterday. good thing he is a ghost and i did not get any glimpse of him or my bright sun shiny day will turn to gray.

it was in the midst of our town fiesta's parade/procession. in the midst of everyone's merry making. the jolliest event of the day. the main event to everyone's anticipation. i didn't know he was there nor i even care. the day he chose his other woman and illegitimate child over us and insensitively passed unto my shoulders his responsibilities, for me, he already ceased to exist. i know i am bad but i have all the reasons to feel this way. however, i still chose to be numb to that emotion.

and to you, i just a small favor to ask. since you already left your responsibilities, just don't show up. all the bad memories can't help but come back. i guess this will be the best for all of us.

fiesta

aligaga na naman ang mga tao sa bayan namin. malapit na naman kse ang fiesta. may perya na, banderitas at endramada. everyone's anticipating the day itself. masaya na naman sa angono. ito ang isa sa pinakamasayang pagdiriwang taon-taon kaya naman i can't afford to miss it. every year i make sure that i am home to witness this event. personally, i look forward to the other activities before the feast day. the higantes festival, the art exhibit and on the spot painting contests, and the tiangge. at syempre ang pinakaaabangang fluvial procession. sayang nga lang, hindi ako kukuha ng pictures this year. i got so frustrated last year with my point and shoot because its battery died out before the procession was done. i was not even done taking pics. i told myself that i will have a new camera by this time of the year. however, due to financial constraints it did not materialize. poor me. literally. a financially challenged individual. tsktsktsk. kala ko pa naman vertically challenged lang ako. hehehe...