i had been job hunting for two consecutive days and up until now, i am still jobless. karma... i think. hehehe...

last thursday, i decided to apply for an email support position in transcom asia in pasig city just beside tiendesitas. the application process went well... i guess. however, i had to spend about 8 hours to finish the process. as expected, there were a lot of applicants hoping to get a job. sad to say, there are a lot of people still jobless and hoping they would be shortlisted for the position. that includes me of course. hehehe...

i ended up going home left hanging because i do not know if i passed or not. sandra, the hr personnel who interviewed me and assisted me for my final test, told me that i may go home after i'm done with the exam. during the interview, she told me that if i pass the email exam which was the last test i did, they will just call me because they still don't have any training schedule for their email account. tough luck.

good thing, i saw an ex-officemate who was applying there, too. we had the chance to talk and he gave me prospective companies where i can apply. the next day, i went to those addresses. to my dismay, they do not process applications immediately and was only asked to leave my resume. haay. what a waste of time, money and effort. but it was fine, i ended up seeing abba because she needed help fixing the soundcard of her laptop. it was also a good opportunity to see each other and catch up.

------

before i left abba's cafe last friday, she asked me to check for the price of tarpaulin printing here in our town. i dropped by a printing shop near the national road and to my surprise i saw my brother. he had not contacted us, my mom and me, for almost a year now. he got himself into some trouble that we don't exactly know the details and went hiding in the provinces where our relatives were.

yeah, he is the total opposite of me. he used to be a seminarian and after two or three years, he went out and decided to get married. he is a very adventurous person. he can do whatever he wants and go to places he wanted to go. he is not afraid to mess up and does not care whoever gets affected. he has his own ways. if he wants out, he's out. no thinking twice. just like when he finally decided to get out of his own marriage after two or three years i think. even if he has a two year old daughter who will be left in between. he decided to leave my mom at the height of our family problem and does not want to do anything with us while i decided to stay with her. though, there are few things that we agree upon like our interest in visual arts. i'm afraid that is the only one.

so much about that, so i talked with my brother, asked him a few questions. i was a bit pissed on how he reacted and answered my questions. one liner. not his normal self because he is a very talkative person well... for a guy.

i just told him that there was a package for him at home and that it includes a shirt. at first he was not interested with it and since there was nothing else to say, i bid him goodbye. when i reached home, i received a text message from him asking for the shirt. he asked me to bring the shirt out and he will pick it up. and so he did, he didn't even exerted any effort to see my mom. not even a peek. haayy... i just felt bad how he treated my mom. oh well... what can i do?! he would never listen to me. i tried to talk to him about things but he got angry and would not want to talk with me anymore. haayy...

apriltwentyonetwothousandeight

------

my mom and i had been clearing our house with our old stuff. i had posted here about the old books that we sorted and other piles of paper that i used during highschool. last tuesday, i'd decided to clear my college stuff. yup, tons and tons of photocopied books and notes from my other classmates. i was wondering how much money did i spend for a lot of photocopied paper. of course, my mom and i are hoping that we can sell all of them. while going over my college things, i found a few pieces of paper that had to be spared from being sold. there was this one article that i started writing in 1997 or 1998 but was only finished in 2003. it was about my friend and my story. i must admit it was a mushy article. when i started writing it, i felt that our friendship was drifting apart. basta... it is mushy however, i'd decided to end it optimistically in 2003 because the issue had passed and i already had a deep understanding of how friendship should be. so there... i just find it funny how i used to write a few years back. the sentences were so flowery when i can just write it plain and simple, direct to the point. maybe blogging and reading different novels helped me a lot in developing my writing skill. or maybe it is maturity. however, i still cannot say that i am a good writer. all i am saying is that i had improved. that's it. btw, i will try to post the article soon. i just had to revise it. hehehe...

apriltwentyfourtwothousandeight

i miss...

it had been weeks since i last posted. i haven't been writing, too. maybe because there is nothing to write about. i have a boring life to begin with so what do you expect? boring posts i guess. :)
i'd like to think that i had finally recovered from my depression. it lasted for more than a month i think. though, i had a short divertion when i trained in stellar. to be honest, as i am writing this, i only have four pesos in my coin purse and 3000 korean won in my wallet if you can call those money. :) i have never been this broke all my life but it feels funny that i feel okay. though, of course, at the back of my head, i am hoping i would get a job soon... really soon.

last friday, i finally had the courage to submit my application to the picture company. they have a job opening for creative portrait photographer if i remember the position correctly. the requirements pretty much fit someone like me who is an enthusiast and has a lot of learning to do. so there, i sent out my application thru jobstreet. however, up until now i have not heard from them. so i am planning to apply for a call center post again probably tuesday. haay... i was badly hoping that i would not go back. however, i think this is the only opportunity available and unfortunately, with no choice left, i had to take it.

it's been three months of unemployment and my mom is not liking it anymore. whenever we have small talks, the conversation will end up in a not so nice way boiling down to me not having a job and that i am complacent about it. so most of the time i tend to avoid these small talks. but hey, what can i do? we share the same small space and i cannot avoid her all day. haayy...

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i miss...

working

facing a pc for long hours

the unlimited internet surfing

being in an airconditioned room

abba and yoshie

baked penne, chicken dijon, blueberry cheesecake and peppermint iced tea from crib

starbucks

ayala avenue and its buildings

long fx rides

elevator rides

i miss a lot of things. i cannot even blog real time because i am deprived of a broadband connection. haay... i am such a loser. this is how financially challenged i am. i don't even know until when i will have prepaid load for my phone. this is too much and i have to do something about it. wish me luck.

aprilthirteentwothousandeight

eleventenpm

something to smile about

yesterday, my mom and i decided to clean up and check the boxes of our old school books if we can sell them. i found some old photos with my classmates. you won't believe how skinny i was. here are some of the photos:

funny because it brought back a lot of memories. hehehe...

this picture made me really smile because i can still remember how my friend teased me with this guy classmate. we were often seen together because we were working on some art project for the entire class and we were the leaders. you know. art stuff that was our expertise. hehehe...

aprilthreetwothousandeight

i had a tiring day today. i went to see my surgeon for my quarterly check up. arrived there at 10:45am just to find out that their clinic hours during fridays is not until 3:00pm. great. so i left and proceeded to cubao area to submit my resignation letter as requested by china. i left it to the guards and texted my tm informing her that i left my resignation letter there. to my surprise, my co-trainee texted me that i was tagged with "no call no show" by workforce according to our tm. i was just wondering why i was tagged as such when i informed my tm in charge and my trainer that i already dropped out. ang labo. now i am convinced that there is really something wrong with their process. just like how chaotic the first day of SST was. haayyy... the first thing that came to my mind was if i will get my training allowance. so i texted an ex-officemate who works there as workforce. i informed her about the situation and assured me that i should get my allowance because they do not process our payroll yet since i was not yet certified. haay, salamat naman. so there... dumiretso nako sa makati after to get COE from my previous employer. kaya lang they refused to release any document kse nga raw the company does not exist anymore. sayang na naman ang pagod at pamasahe ko ang init pa naman. balik na naman ako sa duktor ko para sa check up. he just got the results of my recent ultrasound tapos... tapos na. wala pa atang 5 minutes un tapos i had to pay 500 na for that. wow! sana pala nagduktor na rin lang ako at least madali ang pera. pero wala rin naman kaming perang pangtustos sa medicine na course kaya it would be best to drop that thought.

i received a text message from someone today inquiring if my ipod nano is still for sale. he is interested with it however, having 2nd thoughts because he saw a 2nd gen ipod nano also for sale for the same selling price. i hope he buys it i badly need cash.

grabeh! puro na lang problema kelan kaya matatapos toh?! alam kong nagwoworry na ang nanay. our resources are fast depleting. i hope i can get a new job asap or if possible sana makalipad ako agad sa dubai sa tulong ni rox. God speed.

marchtwentyeighttwothousandeight

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i received some good news from my ex-co-trainee today. first, she confirmed that i should be able to get my training allowance by april 5 though, workforce tagged me "no call no show" which is equivalent to termination. second, that everyone passed the nesting period. sayang daw, sana itinuloy ko na lang. i must admit that there is a small part of me that doubts my decision last tuesday. what if i continued? what if i passed? i should already have a good paying job and i should have not made my mom worry again about our financial situation. well... i still cannot tell. anything can happen and i am still sure up to this moment that i won't be that happy even if i passed even if i am already getting 23k worth of salary. i am not sure why i cannot explain my main reason of quitting... why i want out... all i know is that there is something wrong and there is something heavy in my heart that i carry whenever i go to work. maybe my mind is set that i would like to try my luck somewhere else. that i have to find my niche and definitely that's not the call center industry anymore... that i want to be out of the call center industry even for whatever consequences it may entail. though, i might get a lower paying job and keep more than one job, i really don't care now. all for the sake of having a normal life i guess. alam ko malabo. alam ko magulo. before all i want was to get a good paying job so i can give my mom a better life and now, i am taking that opportunity for granted. i almost had the best paying job i'd ever had but i let it slip away because i am a coward... i must admit that i hate uncertainties at this point of my life... believe me i used to be a lot braver but due to some unexpected turn of events i dunno why i am showing weakness at this point. i should be more brave than ever because i have a bigger responsibility now but i am not. maybe i am not that strong enough. i guess, i am tired. most part of my life was spent on fighting for something i do not know. all i know is i've been fighting an invisible enemy for years and up until now that battle has not yet been won. i am not even sure about my chances in this battle.

there are a lot of things running in my head right now and i just need to assure myself that i made the right decisions in the past 29 years of my life. that my life was not a waste and that there's still hope that all i dreamt of having for my mom will still come true. that i am not a disappointment just like what my dad thinks.

i might show an impression that i am someone who does not have any ambition in life and very carefree but the truth is i am not. i guess the right opportunity has not yet come or better yet i was just never given a chance to shine. or maybe i am looking too far that i miss out the right opportunities offered. i dunno. all i know is that God has a plan for each one of us and it is our task to find that plan in our life time. i hope i find it soon before i run out of time. i must admit that i play numb most of the time. i refuse to feel any emotions. i live by the moment and puts everything in fate's hands. kaya madalas akong napagkakamalang walang pakialam. im not sure if i already wrote about this before but this is my way of coping because if i dont for sure i'm going to be insane.

im not sure if i have a logical train of thought with this entry. i dunno if i am making any sense, too. all i know is i am thankful to this medium that i get to pour out my thoughts and feelings even if i dunno who reads it. i just hope that i make you realize how lucky you are given that you have found what you are looking for. as for me, i still dunno where life will lead me. all i am hoping for is that i find what i am looking for very soon for i am not getting any younger and i want my mom to experience a better life the sooner possible time because she had enough of hardships and i definitely think it's time to give her a break.

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i have something to confess. i have this fear that i might discover i have a serious disease. i have been noticing some unusual body habits of mine the past months. it all started last february and i am just afraid that its serious. i am keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard that i am just being praning.

marchtwentyninetwothousandeight
elevenfiftyfivepostmeridiantime

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i've been writing more frequently than ever. maybe because i am being too emotional the past few days that i no longer think straight. forgive me for being so melodramatic. i guess the true me is surfacing now. btw, will someone tell me i made the right decision?!

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what i don't know won't hurt me... that is what i always tell myself. play numb about a lot of things... as always... my scape goat. i'm sure i would pass for a scape artist if given a chance. some people would say i am a strong person but in fact it was just a mask.

a few hours back today, i saw my younger "brother"... yeah, i thought i was the youngest, too. well, that was what i thought a few years back. i've been hearing about this from my mom and my older brother before but i just don't care. as i have mentioned, what i don't know won't hurt me or at least what i haven't seen. but it's different when you see the kid with your own eyes. the favored kid over us, the legitimate kids. tsktsktsk... he was being taken cared of by my dad's relatives. to remind you guys, my mom and i lives in a compound with my dad's relatives as neighbors. great, isn't it. old wounds are once again fresh... tsktsktsk...

i know my mom is the most affected by this. i know she is still hurting eventhough, it has been more than 4 years. she wants to leave this place asap. great timing isn't it?! ngayon pang wala akong trabaho. but where are we going to go?! we don't have any place to go and money to spend. kainis. sobra nang kamalasan toh! ewan ko ba?!

marchthirtytwothousandeight

i quit

i made a big decision yesterday. i dropped out of our nesting period after 1 day of taking in calls. i was already assessed yesterday and i was told that i cannot take calls because of my verbatim issues. to be honest, that was not the reason i decided to drop out. i feel that i had enough stress that i can handle for the sake of getting a 23k worth of a job. and i feel that with everything i went through the amount is not worth it. yup, there is always a price to pay for the things we want to have. i must admit i had come so close to finishing and graduating and getting certified, however, i got tired of it. just imagine, being in training for more than a month without an employee-employer relationship, no assurance of getting formally employed, with only a meager amount of training allowance in my pocket, won't that drive you nuts?! i know i was given a chance most of my classmates in sst were not given and i blew it. i think i did not. i did my best to pass but what can i do if i grew tired and can no longer focus on the task at hand?! i've been literally dragging myself since our test bed. i was not supposed to come anymore but i still did hoping they will tell me i did not pass but i did. i guess i just want to hear what they told me yesterday and that was the signal i am long been waiting for. i know i need a job but i think this account is not for me. i well know that i have selective hearing that is why i am also wondering how i got through. i also realized that this account places the lives of the deaf people in our hands therefore we cannot afford to commit mistakes. that made me realize that this account is not for me because i definitely cannot afford to commit that mistake.

my mom took my decision lightly yesterday. however, she no longer does today. maybe she gave this some thought last night and weighed everything she will say to me. unfortunately, it did not come out that nice. but i took it lightly. i must admit it was my fault. i gave up easily when i am almost there. she told me that why do i always quit when i get stressed and encounter difficulties. what she does not realise is that i had enough of stress and difficulties. living my life is already a difficult thing to do. i never had a job that lasted for more than 2 years. i was never lucky with a lot of things even when it comes to family affairs. i belong to a broken family, don't i?! it was not even easy to be the family's bread winner for three years. however, i never complained. i still went on with life and did everything i can to survive. i never even thought of ending my life because i was a very unlucky person. i always think that i just never had the right opportunity and i just have not found what i was looking for. for what that is, i dunno. as i have once told a friend, i will know when i finally find it. i just hope that will be soon... very soon. i hope someone will understand where i am coming from. i am not complaining. just whining as always. i hope you will understand why i had to do this.

you would not believe me how relieved i was when i finally decided to quit. i woke up at peace this morning though, i don't have a job yet. i know deep in my heart i made the right decision because i will never be happy if i did continue. my TM wants to talk to me about my decision however, i refused to. i know they will just encourage me to stay but still cannot guarantee my employment. what's the use?! i just need an assurance. i don't have any doubts on my capabilities i have proven them so many times. i really think i need a change of career. a hotel staff or an english teacher... who knows i just need a new working environment.

btw, there are a lot of things i should be thankful after this very stressful training. one, i lost a lot of weight. thanks to stress and pressure. two, i now type fast. 60-63wpm. before my speed was only average. three, i met new friends. though, i won't see them anymore they will still remain to be my friends. four, i now know how to get to gateway when i commute. five, i now know where to find bottles for collections which i plan to do soon. lastly, i realized that even how strong a person is we can never tell when his strength will disappear. ha?! ano daw?! hehehe...


marchtwentysixtwothousandeight

--------------

i thought i had settled everything about quitting nesting yesterday. i did my part on informing them that i am dropping out however, i received two text messages from my trainer china and tm ton today. china was checking on me and asked why i am not going to work anymore. i told her that i already dropped out and already informed tm euge yesterday. on the other hand, tm ton informed me that he is going to be my tm and asked if i know about the company outing and if i am interested to join. i told him that i know about it however, i am not interested because i already dropped out of nesting. i think they are still trying to save my ass. but i think there's nothing they can do or say that will change my mind. yeah, i had second thoughts of coming back to work but a large part of myself wants to quit badly.

china asked me to submit a resignation letter to tm euge. yeah, i have to write a resignation letter again. i never thought i would this early and i don't understand why i had to. as far as i remember, the training agreement that we signed indicates that there is no employee-employer relationship between us and stellar until we finally get certified. however, i still obliged. so i have to go to stellar tomorrow to submit my resignation letter. anyway, i can go to makati to get my certificate of employment from my previous company.

to be honest, my one month stay at stellar was a real learning experience for both the SST and PST trainings. i learned a lot and I must admit that I also realized a lot of things. Though, I hate to admit it, I feel that this account is not for me. I know long before that I have selective hearing; however, that did not hinder me from being a good Customer Service Rep. Before I thought I am capable of doing anything and that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. However, that is no longer true anymore. This job entails a very big responsibility for the hearing impaired customers and I cannot afford to risk that because i myself have my own “impairment.” I appreciate the concern that they have showed me and for giving me the chance to experience this account. all that i learned from this company will be charged to experience.

bluefrog's closure really made a big impact in my life. to be blunt it made my life miserable. if only they did not close and dismissed us illegally, i won't be experiencing all of these. all the while i thought i will be working there forever. well... that was what i thought because there is no such thing as forever.

marchtwentyseventwothousandeight

long week

i am getting the hang of things during our practice calls today. though, i messed up big time during the hotseat activity where you have to play as an operator using the projector screen. it was nerve racking. i must say that i was very relaxed during that activity because i know that it is ok to make mistakes. so there, i forgot a lot of things and lost track of my verbatim. my trainer commented "ang sakit sa bangs ng verbatim mo russ". hehehe... i just laughed at my mistakes but i make sure i remember them. kaya siguro nung nagpractice calls na kme i got the hang of it. if there is one thing that bothers me, is my typing. baka maligwak ako dahil dun. wish me luck.

marchseventeentwothousandeight
holy monday

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i passed our final written assessment yesterday. it was open notes. the hell, if i did not it would be a real shame. the only thing i am worried is our test bed tomorrow morning. this is the practical or application assessment for us to move on to the next phase which is nesting. i've been depressed since tuesday. the reason, i am not sure. maybe its the uncertainty of the results of this training. i must admit that i am not confident that i will pass. i need to have this job badly that is why i worked hard for it the past two weeks. i am just not sure on how i will fare during the test bed. i swear among all the accounts i handled the past years i was working in a call center, i find this very difficult. i feel that there are a lot of technicalities that you have to master and all the information thought are too much in a span of 2 weeks. yeah, there is only 1 tool to master however there are a lot of hotkeys to memorize and a lot of techniques on how to handle the call. i remember one of our soft skills trainer saying, there is always a price to pay for something. i must admit she is right. i want a high paying job so i have to pay the price of pressure, stress and difficulty. haayy... ang hirap talagang kumita ng pera.

btw, i am not only worried on how i will do on the test bed itself but if i will be able to physically be there on time. i have to be there on saturday morning 3:30am. i am just afraid i won't get a ride going there. it's black saturday early in the morning. i doubt it if there are jeeps or fx available at that time. i will also have a long day today. i'm sure my mom will tag me along to the church to listen to the seven last words of Jesus. after that, she will not go home yet and stay to attend the mass at 4 or 4:30pm to 5:30 or 6pm. it will not end there yet and she had to watch the procession of the saints' images. because there are a lot of images for the procession, it usually ends at 7pm when finally all of these images had gone out of the church premises to go around the town with all the devotees of each saint images. i don't have anything against it. we've been doing this for years and i don't complain and i am not complaining still. its only that this time, i have to sleep at 6pm and wake up at 12midnight to go to work. i just dunno if my mom will understand. she always thinks that i always make an excuse not to do these things because she told me i am always stubborn when it comes to these things. well, i am not. i just have a lot of things to worry and she cannot blame me. i have to support a family. God knows how difficult it is for me but i am hanging in there and im doing my best to be able to succeed. am i starting to whine again?!

update: i saw it coming. magtatalo kme ng nanay about the activities she planned to do today. i don't want to go on details. i hope someone understands me.

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i caught roxy online last tuesday night. she is one of my good friends way back in my SVI days and we remained as friends even we don't see each other for the past 5 years now. we were able to chat for a few minutes. i am glad she's happy in dubai and that she has all her family with her. good for her. she found a niche in a foreign land. we talked about how i was doing and i told her what happened to my past employment. she offered me to go there and she will help me. i told her i will think about it and that i don't have the money to go there and i would definitely not risk it if i don't have a sure job waiting for me. she understood because she well knows that i am the sole bread winner of my family. she told me to check IPAMS if they have job openings because the agency sent her to dubai without paying anything. to be honest, i am seriously thinking about it. i'd do anything to get a good paying job.

marchtwentyonetwothousandeight
good friday

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sleepy day today. i was not able to get enough sleep last night. buti na lang nakalusot ako sa final assessment namin today. crucial stage na next week. nesting. wish me luck pag d ako nakalusot dito baka makapunta ako ng dubai ng di oras.

marchtwentytwotwothousandeight

pressure

it had been a week since i started with product training. i must admit i am struggling with some of the lessons especially the call flow. it seemed easy during discussion however, when you start applying all the concepts... wahlah... i don't remember anything. good thing, i was taking notes. i am also struggling memorizing. haayy... i think age is taking it's toll in me. i was used to memorizing when i was still studying. believe me... i used to be a lot smarter than today. i am afraid na lugaw na ang utak ko because of the type of work i used to have. haayy... i hope i pass this and get the job. God speed.

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holy week is starting tomorrow. syempre, may pasok kme. nakakatamad kse everyone's on vacation tapos may pasok ka. kainis. di pa naman kme double pay. at last week na namin for product training and as usual hahatulan ulit kami on friday. i am afraid that i will not pass but i am not afraid to fail. ang labo ba?!

and the verdict is...

it's 12:34 AM march 6, 2008. in a few hours, i will know my verdict. yeah, today is the judgement day of our soft skills training. i know there is a big possibility that i will pass. however, i am not confident about my typing speed. til now, i am only hitting 58 words per minute. well, that is consistently. i sometimes hit 60-64 wpm but as i have mentioned that is only sometimes. goodluck.

if fate won't be that nice to me later, i still have a fallback. my cousin is offering a part-time job. i can do that for the meantime. i am also thinking of doing part-time teaching. where i am not sure.

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there is something about moms that we (who are not yet moms) don't have. it's the mother's intuition. my mom kept on telling me that since the year started, she felt that i don't want to work anymore. well, as i have previously blogged, this is true. ang galing nya noh?! to think i have not told her about this. :)


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i'm seriously thinking of what to do next. my plan b, c, d, and so on after stellar. i want to put up a business but what kind of business? where will i get the money as capital? mukhang hanggang pangarap na lang ako.

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there is a new hotel that will open soon in our town. i am thinking of applying there. however, i don't have any experience working in a hotel and i'm sure they are going to look for people who have experience. pagkakataon ko na sanang magbago ng career. i guess, i have to wish harder. hehehe...

marchsixtwothousandeight

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finally, the anxiousness i've been feeling since day one and the thought if i will pass the soft skills training was done. luckily, i passed along with 10 co-trainees. thanks to the good Lord. He did not left my side during that day.

it was a long day. our day started at 1pm and we all went home at 1:30 AM. we all waited for the results of everyone else. some received bad news but most of us had smiles on their faces because the hard work paid off. it was just sad that some failed because of some issues with their accent and grammar. its just that the training that was provided for the soft skills was not aligned to what the client wants. they want a neutral accent. those who failed mimicked the accent that they heard in the recordings presented by the trainers and the client was not that pleased with that. that was their only fault. they want the trainees to speak naturally and fluently. good thing, i was not that nervous and i focused on the things i was supposed to do or else, they could have heard my neverending fillers. hehehe...

there was this one co-trainee who is really nice. she kept on commenting about how relaxed i was. she called me monster because i was not showing any sign of nervousness. nakuha ko pa raw antukin samantalang siya ay halos himatayin na sa kaba. they didn't know that i was silently praying that time. i just told them that i was already sleepy and would like to sleep. i prayed that whatever His will, it shall be done. maybe that was also the reason i was so relaxed and confident. i know that whatever the result is, it is His plan and it would be what's best for me.

the interview with the client went well. the interviewer was nice. syempre, kinabahan ako nung naka-upo na ko sa room at kausap ko na ung client over the phone. plus the fact that the room was freezing cold. good thing i had a jacket. he liked the fact the i like neil gaiman. he even asked what are my favorites among his books. the interview lasted for 15-20 minutes i guess. i did not take note of the time anymore. after it was over and done with, i was just so relieved. i really can't describe how it felt. i was not even nervous about the results. i just dunno why i was so confident that day to the extent that i didn't even care what the results will be. all i know was it was done and i can go home in a few hours. however, that didn't happen because after my turn i felt that everyone needs some moral support which i gladly provided.

after finishing 5 people for the first batch, (by the way, i was the third person to be interviewed) they called us for the results. we were called one by one into a room and the results were read to us by 4 people. they were all poker faced. initially, i was asked about how i was feeling. i replied with a casual and confident "i'm good." then, they asked me how do i feel about my performance during the interview with the client. again, i replied with a confident "i think it's ok." oh di ba?! ibang klaseng confidence level ito. afterwards, the girl started to read the comments of the client and the errors i commited and my mispronounced words. i had one misspelled word too during the dictation part and the lady told me that during nesting some trainees are dropped because of that and asked if it's ok with me. at the instance, i felt a tinge of nervousness. just a tinge and only during that time. however, i still replied with my usual walang pakialam tone... "yeah... sure." then, she proceeded and said... so on monday... you will go back for your product training. then, they all started laughing. woah! what a great way of getting punked. hehehe... one of the lady trainers told me to maintain my confidence and share it to everyone else outside. i dunno how i looked and how they felt during that time for her to tell that. maybe i was just so relaxed because i felt that i just have to. ang labo ba?! hehehe...

i am both happy and sad. happy... because most of us passed. sad... because some people were not given a chance to prove themselves because they were dropped from the list. however, if they were only given that chance, i am quite sure that they could have shined. too bad, they were misjudged and they were judged prematurely. life is really unfair.

-----------------------------

i have this one thought that's been bothering me since the other night. i would like to try teaching if given a chance. preferably, speech. i know i have my slips. however, i believe that it can be worked on. i am seriously considering to take a part time job as a speech teacher. the only problem is... if there will be a high school here in our town that will allow me to teach part time while keeping a call center job. hay. there are so many things i would like to do with limited time and resources. tsktsktsk.

marchseventwothousandeight

long week

i started my training in stellar last monday. i had a long week. i didn't know that traffic was that horrible going to cubao. this is the first time i am going to work there. kaya ayun, tiis lang. instead of taking one straight trip going to araneta center, i had to cut my trip to two short ones so i won't get late. for some odd reason, there are no fx available in the morning so i had to ride a jeepney instead. traffic is always horrible going home. haay. grabe. everyday, i see a different route going home because the fx driver looks for a way to ignore traffic, however, kahit saan ka sumuot may traffic pa rin. tsktsktsk...

the training was fun. may epal nga lang akong classmate. i think he is in his late 40's or early 50's. and i believe may superiority complex sya. i guess i don't have to elaborate further. yun na.

to be honest, mas nag-enjoy ako sa training nung nabawasan kami. the rest were endorsed for interview. if they pass, they move on to the next phase of the training which is product specific training. the list of those to be accelerated were announced last thursday. initially, i was part of the list. ako pa nga ang unang tinawag eh at sobrang nagulat ako. i don't have questions about my capabilities when it comes to my communication skills. however, i still have not met the required 60 words per minute requirement for typing speed to be shortlisted for the interview. so, i spoke with my trainer and told him about it. he told me that he forgot about my typing speed. kaya ayun balik soft skills training ako. :)

wala namang problema sa akin kse d n'yo naitatanong may pagka-O.C. ako. konti lang naman. there are certain things na hindi pwedeng pwede na para sa akin. just like this training. ayoko namang mapag-iwanan ako ng mga kasama ko. meaning, everyone was hitting the required typing speed tapos ako hindi at kulelat. ayoko naman ng ganun. i just felt that if i would be going to war i have to be prepared and not just prepared, but equally prepared just like the enemies i would be facing. e ganun din naman, if you don't pass the interview you will go back to soft skills training. so i'd rather stay to enhance my skills more so i would be well prepared for the interview. since i want this job, i will make sure that after training i am equipped with all the necessary skills that i will need to pass the interview. at gagawin ko lahat ng paraan para ma-achieve ko yung goal na yun. ang arte ko noh?! hehehe...

btw, yoshie passed the interview last friday. congrats dear!

last thursday, kamuntik nang mag-weekend mode ang katawan ko. kse naman d ako sanay pumasok ng 5 days. i had the 12 by 3 sked for 4 months so medyo nanibago ako. sa totoo lang, kahit mas malapit ang cubao sa lugar namin, mas matagal pang bumiyahe papunta dun kumpara sa makati. the only difference is, it is not difficult to get a ride going home unlike in makati and ortigas.

my week did not end last friday. i had to go to the medical city for an ultrasound schedule. yup, it's the routine check-up that i have to do every 6 months. ang gastos nga e. nalagasan na naman ako ng 1,680. wala pa akong trabaho nyan. grabeh. buti na lang may credit card. hehehe...

sorry for the long post. kagaya nga ng kwento ko, i had a long week with matching long days kaya ngayon lang nakapag-post. i hope i will move on to the next phase of this training. i hope i will pass the interview. if not, i know there is a better plan for me. God speed. :)

something to laugh about :)

i have a new job woohoo!

its 2:13am february 16, 2008 and i still can't sleep. i just got home from my final interview in jp morgan. the supposedly 9pm scheduled interview was conducted at 11pm. sweet isn't it?! and the best thing about this is the interview itself lasted for only 15 minutes. isn't that great?! oh, there's one more great thing about it. they said that they will further evaluate the results of the interview and that they will keep in touch. great. it's a better and paraphrased version of the usual line when you didn't meet their expectations, we will just call you. oh well, move on. next company please.

-------------

hindi ko maipaliwanag ang mga nangyayari sa akin nitong mga nakaraang araw. natatandaan ko na dati ay mabilis akong matanggap sa mga inaaplayan ko pero bakit parang hindi na ata pareho ng dati ang mga nangyayari ngayon. dahil ba wala sa loob ko ang paghahanap ng trabaho? at napipilitan lang ako? dahil ba namimili na ako ng trabahong gusto kong pasukan? at gusto ko na ng ibang trabaho bukod sa call center? pero ano naman ang papasukin kong trabaho kung halos 4 na taon na ako sa ganitong klase ng trabaho? hindi ko rin alam ang sagot. sana lang alam ko.

-------------

i felt like crying again. i am just holding back my tears. i dunno if it was because of frustration or out of anger. i am beginning to doubt my capabilities as an individual. or am i just self pitying (if there is such a word). i can't stay this way for a long time. i'm back in my previous state of staring to nothingness. i just can't help but think. i am confused. lost. help. please.

februarysixteentwothousandeight


-------------------

i got the chance to see yoshie and ron, yesterday. it's nice seeing them again. as usual, neverending ang aming kwentuhan at tawanan. the best part is yung panlilibre ni ron at syempre, yung pasalubong ni yosh. its not that much pero its the thought and effort that counts. hehehe... nakuha ko na rin pala yung speakers ko from them. its been years finally nakuha ko na. hehehe... thanks a bunch guys! :) i had a very nice day kahapon na 3am na gising pa rin ako dahil sa taas ng energy ko. hahaha...

pagdating na pagdating ko pa lang, in-assemble ko na agad yung speakers. d naman ako nahirapan to figure it out. mahilig kse ako magkutingting ng kung anu-ano. hehehe... instead of installing it in my pc, i've decided to put it beside our tv and use it as an iPod speaker. kaya ayun, non-stop at long playing ang mga kanta dito ngayon. hehehe...

i think i had overcome my depression the past day. i just hope everything's going to be ok. tomorrow, i am going to apply for another job. i hope this one is it. the one in stored for me. God speed. :)

februaryeighteentwothousandeight

-------------------

yesterday, yoshie and i went to apply for an ip relay post in stellar. luckily, we got the job. we are going to start training on monday. my mom's hesitant about the job because during training we are going to receive training allowance only. i hope everything will turn out well. i badly need this job. God speed.

februarytwentytwothousandeight

drain

an hour and a half of waiting
to my shock a panel of interviewers
an endless set of questions
for a time that seems to be eternal
a sudden mental block to a simple question
equals a big disaster

made me think of what i am applying for
confused as ever like i usually am
no hopes for me that i would get it
drop it and move on
maybe there's a better plan for me
only He who knows

tomorrow's going to be a new day
optimism helps me get by
hoping that the next day
will be brighter than the others
and the sun will finally shine upon us

----------------

i would like to share with you kids a prayer i got from didache, a quarterly Catholic Daily Bible Refleion Guide. this helped me get by those days of uncertainties and depression. i hope this will be of help to you, too. :)

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.

----------------

another final interview for me today at 9pm. i hate to go out of our house at night but what can i do there is no earlier schedule available and i badly need a job. kung pwede lang na di na magtrabaho. hay. bakit kaya lagi na lang akong walang choice? i know one has always a choice but i have to consider the people around me, too. i will be very selfish kung yung sarili ko lang iisipin ko. bakit ba napaka-kumplikado ng buhay? d b pwedeng simple na lang? kahit ako d ko alam ang sagot. gusto ko lang naman ng maayos na trabaho. meron naman ako dating trabaho kung bakit kse biglang nagsara. hindi ko alam kung malas lang talaga ako kse tignan nyo ha?! ung appraisal ko at salary increase dapat nung feb 7 pero dahil d n kme pinapasok since jan 15, wala na. kainis. hay, ang buhay nga naman parang life talaga.

update

i finally had the courage to get up early and apply for work last monday. the usual things happened. i undergone an initial interview and took batteries of exams. the interview with karen went well. she reminds me of elna. a friend and former officemate in convergys. she laughs like her, too. i did not feel any nervousness during the interview because it felt like i was just with a friend telling chismis with one another. the ambiance was really very light that i tell some jokes that made karen laugh. the grammar test was easy. i just had to rely on my intuition. in short, nanghula ako. hehehe... the IQ test was familiar. if i am not mistaken, i had taken that same exact test for 6 or more times already. though, i think i did not answer the math questions correctly. hehehe... after taking the exams, i was instructed to go home and they will contact me for the schedule of my final interview. i just dunno when that will be. maybe they did not take me seriously because of the interview. or maybe because of my asking price. hehehe... oh well, that's fine. next stop and that will be jp morgan. :)

---------------

yoshie's coming back home today. i'm so excited. i know that we don't see each other that often and it usually takes a month or more but the thought that she is not in the country is really different. will surely see her soon. can't wait. hehehe...

februarytwelvetwothousandeight

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i received a call from karen this morning informing me that i will have my final interview with their operations manager tomorrow at 2pm. i'll keep you posted on the results. wish me luck kids. :)

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i set up a home made photo studio yesterday. first, i've decided to use natural light but since the sun was a bit shy to shine really bright yesterday, i've decided to use the light above our dinner table. i just hope i had an alternative light source so i can get the lighting effect that i want. for the pics please click here. they have been enhanced in photoshop while the two black and whites were desaturated through photoshop, too. feel free to comment on the pics. enjoy. :)

februarythirteentwothousandeight

start of bad luck

i can't believe how unlucky i am today. i finally decided to go out and apply for a job today. i was previously scheduled last wednesday for an interview and who knows what will be the next steps. however, due to unfortunate turn of events, i woke up with a bad headache. so, i ended up going back to sleep. kaya eto, nakarma na ako. hehehe... to add to that, the sole of my shoes broke. the reason, i dunno. as far as i know, the shoe i am wearing is still new. i think i used it for just a few times so i was so surprised that it fell off from the leather body of my shoes. i ended up buying slippers. hay. malas. i just can't help but wonder if the bad luck for horse signs is already starting. wag naman sana.

how will i tell my mom that i still don't want to look for a job when i am the sole bread winner of the family. hay. nakakapagod rin pala. :(

one week blog entry

sorry for this long post. i don't have an internet connection at home so, i compiled all my thoughts in my computer. i only had time to post this today. so, here goes:

SWEET

last tuesday, we just received a letter from the management informing us that the company is terminating our employment effective february 15, 2008. However, due to the continuous financial loses of the company, we are not going to receive any separation pay. sweet.

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i can't help but stare blankly at anything and anywhere. my brain refuses to think to the extent that i don't want to feel anything anymore. the start of the year is just not good for me. everything is just a mess. i got sick, i lost my job, now i am not going to get anything from the company i worked for a year and a half. sweet.

as far as i know, i was a good employee. i was rarely absent. i only do when i am really sick and not able go to work. i did my job well. i was loyal to the company even during the time they deprived us of our healthcard, food and transportation allowances. i saw it happen when the other employees came and went. together with the others, i stayed. and now, a few more people and i were left in vain.

one more question is hanging though, the uncertainty of the remaining salary that we should receive. that will be a big blow for me. i am unemployed. i am the family's bread winner. where are we going to get our daily needs? bummer.

-------------

with everything in mind... you cannot blame me if i wouldn't want to think or feel anything anymore.

januarytwentyninetwothousandeight


-------------

MAYBE

it feels like forever staying at home without looking forward to any work the next day. it's just been two weeks and yet it felt like it's been a month. i've thought of doing a lot of things. oh, i want to correct that. i want to DO a lot of things. or better yet i want to HAVE a lot of things. things that i have been planning to get way before but due to lack of time i failed to. however, i could not acquire them these days because of financial constraints. life is really sweet. isn't it?! :)

i started painting again after a few months when we got dumped on an art fair. the smell of oil paint and the sight of brushes, paint tubes and the finished works kept me sane lately. painting is the only thing that makes my brain work and makes me feel some happiness after the hard work. it feels like i was being transported to a different dimension whenever i started holding my paint brush. the same feeling when i am holding a camera. i never thought that one day i would be dragged back to something i love doing the most.

i am being melodramatic again. i must say i have not recovered yet. though, i don't feel like crying anymore. i still stare blankly most of the time. there are a lot of things running in my head. however, they are random thoughts that needs to be sorted. maybe i am just worried on what will happen to me and my mom. maybe i am worried that i won't pass the job i desire to get. or maybe i am getting tired of how my life has been for the past 29 years. maybe...

januarythirtytwothousandeight
elevenfiftysixpm

------------

i can feel that depression is eating me up. i just can't explain the feeling. sometimes, i feel okay but most of the time, i don't. i know i should not be depressed because anytime soon when i start looking for a job, i know i will definitely get one. the only question is will i be able to stay long in that job. to be honest, i don't know what i am looking for. definitely, i would like to get a high paying job. who does not want that?! of course, everyone i assume. money drives people to work hard and it is no different in my case. i've been at home for a long time already and i think my cough's going to stay with me for good because up until now, i still have it. life sucks. bummer.

----------

as i am writing this, it is already 5:30pm. we should have had our salary today. however, there is still no news if we are going to get it. what will happen to me and my mom?! bummer.


januarythirtyonetwothousandeight

----------

i think i am going to get insane. the news i am most frightened of, hit us all point blank. the company refusesd to pay us even a cent because according to our COO, the company does not exist anymore. hello?! didn't you just indicate in the document you gave us that our employment will be terminated on feb 15?! and what date is it today?! its not even the 15th of the month. so legally, we are still under your employment. and now you refuse to pay us?! i don't have enough words how to call you. i cannot even call you a human being for all the inhuman treatment we received from you, to think that you are also a filipino. how dare you treat us like garbage when during the hard times we did not waver and left the company. i can't believe that one day i would meet a person like you. i can't even put to words how to describe you. you are the worst of all the worst things i've ever known of. i hope this is the last time i'll ever meet someone like you and i hope that all the bad things you did to us will come back to you.

btw, i would like to warn the people who would trust these people to run their company in the philippines. beware, in a year or two your company will close down too because they do not care for your company. they only care for themselves and what they can get from you. they are like leeches that will suck your blood and get the life out of you. so beware. i'm sure you will swear that you should have not met and trusted these people.

-----------

today, i ran out of medicines for my daily medication. but what can i do?! i don't have any money to buy any medicines anymore. i hope the same fate won't happen to my mom. life really sucks these days.

februaryonetwothousandeight

----------

i am feeling a bit better now. painting for a few hours really helps me get by each day and also the tv programs my mom and i regularly watch. well, not to mention the korean tv series which is dubbed in tagalog that i am so addicted with. they keep me sane each day. not to mention, the small talks that my mom and i occasionally have. sometimes she whines, madalas sermon ang abot ko.

---------

i been thinking of asking financial help from my dad. my mom and i already talked about it. at first, she thought it was a bad idea. however, it is worth giving a try. the question is... is he willing to give us money. that... is... the big question. he already refused to give us financial support for more than a year and because of that i shouldered the responsibility. it is also the reason i've been really distracted for weeks already. i just wonder if he will oblige if i ask him. i have not talked with him for more than 3 years since the day he stepped out of our house. he never exerted any effort to see and talk to me, neither did i. i guess we are both too proud to make the first step. or maybe i was just too afraid to face him. the fear resurfaces whenever i see him and the sight of him brings back the frightful incident between him and my mom that day before he left. during that day, i was so afraid that all i did was cry. i never thought that i would be crying that hard because the last time i remembered crying that much was when i was 9 or 10 years old. and i never thought he would have ever done those things. suddenly, it felt that he turned into a monster. a monster ready to inflict harm to anything or anyone that will block his way. good thing my mom was a real fighter. a strong woman i truly admire. she did not hesitate for a bit and did not allow them to hurt any of us two. it was a very fateful day. no one got hurt, thank God. its been more than 3 years but whenever i go back to that day everything seems so fresh. i've been trying to forget that day. however, i guess it will take more time to do so.

---------------

i am still worried about what will happen to me and my mom. i am still optimistic that the good Lord will help us get by each day. i thank a couple of friends who offered to lend me money for our daily needs whom i politely declined. my mom was able to keep a few bucks that will hopefully help us get by until i finally get a job. and i am also hoping that i could get a part time job while we are waiting for the result of the case we filed against a not so very nice person that i hope will be the last that i get to meet. i am also hoping that i'll get a job as soon as i start job hunting. all in God's grace. God speed.

februarytwotwothousandeight
elevenfortyfour pm

last day

kahapon, sinabihan kami na pwede na kaming di pumasok til feb 15. the company's going to declare bankcruptcy on the said date and we are closing. ang konsuwelo na lang namin e, may sweldo pa kami til feb 15. di pa kasama ung separation pay.

nakakalungkot kasi matagal din akong nagtrabaho dun sa kumpanyang un. malungkot... kse ung mga taong naging malapit sa'yo hindi mo na makikita, ka-text na lang... kse panibagong pakikisama na naman sa bago mong pagtatrabahuhan... kse wala nang petiks mode... kse wala nang libreng unlimited internet browsing at video streaming... kse wala nang libreng online games...

i'm sure maninibago ako ng todo. lalo na sa trabaho. masyado na kseng naging second nature sa aking ung trabaho ko. kahit na sabihin nilang boring para sa aking eto pa rin ang pinamasaya, pinakamadaling naging trabaho ko. sobrang convenient pa ng schedule. 12 hours per day, 3 times a week. bongga di ba?! kahit hindi masyadong bongga ang sweldo ko dito e ok pa rin naman kse di patayan ang trabaho. mababait pati ung mga supervisors namin though, ung iba e ok lang. :D pero ganun talaga ang buhay e kailangang magmove on.

too bad, some good things never last. i will surely miss the people i have worked with, especially the friends i made.

good luck sa job hunting sa ating lahat. :)

weirdo

i forgot to thank all of my friends who remembered and exerted quite an effort to greet me on my birthday. thanks for reminding me that another year has been added to my life span. hehehe...

---------

previously, i blogged about the weird emotions i am going through. due to unknown reason, i felt sad on the day of my birthday. and i am afraid that this it has no intention of leaving me sooner. since the year started, i know something is wrong with me. i feel so down on new year's eve. i thought it was just because i caught colds. however, the sad feeling still remains and unfortunately continuing. lately, a sudden feeling of sadness envelopes me whenever my brain is not occupied with something. i am alarmed by the situation because i never felt this way before. that is, feeling sad with no particular reason. isn't it weird?! or crazy perhaps?! however, i tried thinking of any reasons i might be feeling this way, i just can't find the answers.

last thursday night, i had a dream. all i can remember was i was crying. the reason, i don't remember. when i woke up, i found tears in my eyes. i actually cried while i was asleep.

this makes me think, ganito ba talaga pag tumatanda na? samut-saring emosyon ang nararamdaman mo?! hay.


--------

kahit ganito ang buhay at medyo nakakaloka e, may bago na naman akong kinalolokohan. as usual korean nobela na naman. hindi ko alam kung ano meron ang mga drama series na ito at na-aadik ako. siguro dahil na rin sa kakaiba nilang mga kuwento o dahil nagsawa na rin ako sa paikot-ikot na kwento mga teleserye sa lokal TV. dahil na rin siguro madalas e, nakakarelate ako sa mga karakter ng istorya nila.

first few episodes pa lng ng coffee prince ang napalabas sa gma7 pero natapos ko na syang panoorin sa internet. medyo mahirap nga lang manood na nagbabasa ng english subtitles na madalas e kulang ung translation kaya kahit natapos ko nang panoorin e sinusubaybayan ko pa rin sa lokal TV. highly recommended ko ang coffee prince hindi dahil paborito ko si eun hye na bida rin sa princess hours. the storyline is not the typical ones you have watched. i'm sure you kids will like it too. :)

not so happy birthday

i celebrated my 29th birthday last january 6. i was supposed to be happy, right?! because it was my birthday. it just felt weird because i felt otherwise. i dunno why. that was the first time i felt odd during my birthday. haay. ganun ata talaga pag tumatanda na. tsktsktsk. :)

happy new year