last glimpse of a good friend

yesterday, i said goodbye to my very reliable friend for 5 years. i just sold my dearest camera to my older bro. it seems that he needs it that much that he insisted on buying the camera though it is already out-dated. btw, my camera is digital and though it has a low megapixel count, i can say that it takes good pictures. i'm sure my friends will agree to that. you may ask if i already have a replacement camera. my answer, no. i had to sell it due to financial reasons. actually, i am selling all of the gadgets (well, i only have a digi cam and a nano ipod) just to have some money for our daily needs. yup, that's how broke i am. i've been in training for a week now and we won't get paid til the end of the month. i guess, this transaction is just in time. i felt a tinge of sadness in letting go of my dearest friend. however, i had to and i don't have much of a choice. i just hope that one day i get to go back to what i really enjoy doing and finally find that happiness i've been long looking for. the kind of happiness one gets when they love what they are doing.

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it's been a week since i started training for this new company i am working for. training as always is fun. however, i heard a few news that a lot of people from the trainers to the IT personnel are going to resign from the company. this made me think. i cannot shake off the thought. i'm pretty sure there must be something wrong. if not i'm sure they are not going to leave. i am still weighing things and if ever i decide not to continue, i hope i'd find what i am looking for. god speed.

training again

i didn't do anything at all. or maybe that was my fault? why do you always make me feel miserable? why do i always get the blame? am i the bad guy? why are you always pointing your fingers to me? why is it always my fault? i am not your punching bag.

i often choose not to say anything because i know if i start talking i'll get misinterpreted and the short story will be a ten chapter novel that will be reviewed whenever you feel like it. believe me it was an everyday emotional torture until it stops. i wonder how i still get to stay sane. i rarely talk because i know i will only hurt people when i do because more often than not what i say is true. to be honest, i've been bearing with you. i am sticking with you not because of what i am getting from you but because you are my responsibility. how i wish that you realize that you had hurt me several times before whenever you accuse me of things i did not do or whenever you misinterpret and wrong me. worst, you would not accept any further explanation. but i always choose to forget and leave those behind.

you cannot blame me if i choose to feel nothing. to be numb. you cannot blame me that i did not do my part because in my heart i know i did. you just don't see it. i dunno why. you are too pre-occupied with your own miseries that you want me to be miserable, too. believe me or not, i am willing to share your miseries if only you approach me differently. if only you would understand how i feel. if only you would put yourself in my shoes. if only you would master the art of playing numb to all your problems, i am sure you will fully understand my personality.

most of the time, i dared not to explain because your mind is closed to all explanations. often times, i don't even know how to reach you. it seems that we are merely co-existing because we have to. i know we had fallen apart a long time ago because you often judge me. however, i still respected you and i strived hard to gain your approval. i can say that it was my fault because i just let it be. you often say that i don't appreciate what you do. i do and i will be very thankful for that for the rest of my life but the question is... do you appreciate me? they say life is a mirror. you get what you give. i know you had given a lot, but did you ever notice that i had given a lot, too? we are both inexpressive people (not including expressing anger often directed to me) i am sure you had noticed. so don't expect any outpour of emotions from me. this is me, the end result of your molding.

i tried to talk but i was misinterpreted and wronged so i decided to shut up. i know it is not the right option but this had been the case since time immemorial. my opinion does not matter anyway. for me, silence does not always mean yes. it is always giving way. i just hope this silence will echo to your heart and hear the heed of its deepness. i still and will always wish you well.


maysixtwothousandeight
onethree am

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i started training in izone today. it feels weird. hehehe... training will be for 12 days. i hope i'll survive. hehehe...

nice phone

finally

within this month i'll be starting to work again. finally, i found a job. i hope this will be my niche in the coming years. wish me luck kids. :)