Monday, March 31, 2008

i had a tiring day today. i went to see my surgeon for my quarterly check up. arrived there at 10:45am just to find out that their clinic hours during fridays is not until 3:00pm. great. so i left and proceeded to cubao area to submit my resignation letter as requested by china. i left it to the guards and texted my tm informing her that i left my resignation letter there. to my surprise, my co-trainee texted me that i was tagged with "no call no show" by workforce according to our tm. i was just wondering why i was tagged as such when i informed my tm in charge and my trainer that i already dropped out. ang labo. now i am convinced that there is really something wrong with their process. just like how chaotic the first day of SST was. haayyy... the first thing that came to my mind was if i will get my training allowance. so i texted an ex-officemate who works there as workforce. i informed her about the situation and assured me that i should get my allowance because they do not process our payroll yet since i was not yet certified. haay, salamat naman. so there... dumiretso nako sa makati after to get COE from my previous employer. kaya lang they refused to release any document kse nga raw the company does not exist anymore. sayang na naman ang pagod at pamasahe ko ang init pa naman. balik na naman ako sa duktor ko para sa check up. he just got the results of my recent ultrasound tapos... tapos na. wala pa atang 5 minutes un tapos i had to pay 500 na for that. wow! sana pala nagduktor na rin lang ako at least madali ang pera. pero wala rin naman kaming perang pangtustos sa medicine na course kaya it would be best to drop that thought.

i received a text message from someone today inquiring if my ipod nano is still for sale. he is interested with it however, having 2nd thoughts because he saw a 2nd gen ipod nano also for sale for the same selling price. i hope he buys it i badly need cash.

grabeh! puro na lang problema kelan kaya matatapos toh?! alam kong nagwoworry na ang nanay. our resources are fast depleting. i hope i can get a new job asap or if possible sana makalipad ako agad sa dubai sa tulong ni rox. God speed.

marchtwentyeighttwothousandeight

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i received some good news from my ex-co-trainee today. first, she confirmed that i should be able to get my training allowance by april 5 though, workforce tagged me "no call no show" which is equivalent to termination. second, that everyone passed the nesting period. sayang daw, sana itinuloy ko na lang. i must admit that there is a small part of me that doubts my decision last tuesday. what if i continued? what if i passed? i should already have a good paying job and i should have not made my mom worry again about our financial situation. well... i still cannot tell. anything can happen and i am still sure up to this moment that i won't be that happy even if i passed even if i am already getting 23k worth of salary. i am not sure why i cannot explain my main reason of quitting... why i want out... all i know is that there is something wrong and there is something heavy in my heart that i carry whenever i go to work. maybe my mind is set that i would like to try my luck somewhere else. that i have to find my niche and definitely that's not the call center industry anymore... that i want to be out of the call center industry even for whatever consequences it may entail. though, i might get a lower paying job and keep more than one job, i really don't care now. all for the sake of having a normal life i guess. alam ko malabo. alam ko magulo. before all i want was to get a good paying job so i can give my mom a better life and now, i am taking that opportunity for granted. i almost had the best paying job i'd ever had but i let it slip away because i am a coward... i must admit that i hate uncertainties at this point of my life... believe me i used to be a lot braver but due to some unexpected turn of events i dunno why i am showing weakness at this point. i should be more brave than ever because i have a bigger responsibility now but i am not. maybe i am not that strong enough. i guess, i am tired. most part of my life was spent on fighting for something i do not know. all i know is i've been fighting an invisible enemy for years and up until now that battle has not yet been won. i am not even sure about my chances in this battle.

there are a lot of things running in my head right now and i just need to assure myself that i made the right decisions in the past 29 years of my life. that my life was not a waste and that there's still hope that all i dreamt of having for my mom will still come true. that i am not a disappointment just like what my dad thinks.

i might show an impression that i am someone who does not have any ambition in life and very carefree but the truth is i am not. i guess the right opportunity has not yet come or better yet i was just never given a chance to shine. or maybe i am looking too far that i miss out the right opportunities offered. i dunno. all i know is that God has a plan for each one of us and it is our task to find that plan in our life time. i hope i find it soon before i run out of time. i must admit that i play numb most of the time. i refuse to feel any emotions. i live by the moment and puts everything in fate's hands. kaya madalas akong napagkakamalang walang pakialam. im not sure if i already wrote about this before but this is my way of coping because if i dont for sure i'm going to be insane.

im not sure if i have a logical train of thought with this entry. i dunno if i am making any sense, too. all i know is i am thankful to this medium that i get to pour out my thoughts and feelings even if i dunno who reads it. i just hope that i make you realize how lucky you are given that you have found what you are looking for. as for me, i still dunno where life will lead me. all i am hoping for is that i find what i am looking for very soon for i am not getting any younger and i want my mom to experience a better life the sooner possible time because she had enough of hardships and i definitely think it's time to give her a break.

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i have something to confess. i have this fear that i might discover i have a serious disease. i have been noticing some unusual body habits of mine the past months. it all started last february and i am just afraid that its serious. i am keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard that i am just being praning.

marchtwentyninetwothousandeight
elevenfiftyfivepostmeridiantime

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i've been writing more frequently than ever. maybe because i am being too emotional the past few days that i no longer think straight. forgive me for being so melodramatic. i guess the true me is surfacing now. btw, will someone tell me i made the right decision?!

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what i don't know won't hurt me... that is what i always tell myself. play numb about a lot of things... as always... my scape goat. i'm sure i would pass for a scape artist if given a chance. some people would say i am a strong person but in fact it was just a mask.

a few hours back today, i saw my younger "brother"... yeah, i thought i was the youngest, too. well, that was what i thought a few years back. i've been hearing about this from my mom and my older brother before but i just don't care. as i have mentioned, what i don't know won't hurt me or at least what i haven't seen. but it's different when you see the kid with your own eyes. the favored kid over us, the legitimate kids. tsktsktsk... he was being taken cared of by my dad's relatives. to remind you guys, my mom and i lives in a compound with my dad's relatives as neighbors. great, isn't it. old wounds are once again fresh... tsktsktsk...

i know my mom is the most affected by this. i know she is still hurting eventhough, it has been more than 4 years. she wants to leave this place asap. great timing isn't it?! ngayon pang wala akong trabaho. but where are we going to go?! we don't have any place to go and money to spend. kainis. sobra nang kamalasan toh! ewan ko ba?!

marchthirtytwothousandeight

Thursday, March 27, 2008

i quit

i made a big decision yesterday. i dropped out of our nesting period after 1 day of taking in calls. i was already assessed yesterday and i was told that i cannot take calls because of my verbatim issues. to be honest, that was not the reason i decided to drop out. i feel that i had enough stress that i can handle for the sake of getting a 23k worth of a job. and i feel that with everything i went through the amount is not worth it. yup, there is always a price to pay for the things we want to have. i must admit i had come so close to finishing and graduating and getting certified, however, i got tired of it. just imagine, being in training for more than a month without an employee-employer relationship, no assurance of getting formally employed, with only a meager amount of training allowance in my pocket, won't that drive you nuts?! i know i was given a chance most of my classmates in sst were not given and i blew it. i think i did not. i did my best to pass but what can i do if i grew tired and can no longer focus on the task at hand?! i've been literally dragging myself since our test bed. i was not supposed to come anymore but i still did hoping they will tell me i did not pass but i did. i guess i just want to hear what they told me yesterday and that was the signal i am long been waiting for. i know i need a job but i think this account is not for me. i well know that i have selective hearing that is why i am also wondering how i got through. i also realized that this account places the lives of the deaf people in our hands therefore we cannot afford to commit mistakes. that made me realize that this account is not for me because i definitely cannot afford to commit that mistake.

my mom took my decision lightly yesterday. however, she no longer does today. maybe she gave this some thought last night and weighed everything she will say to me. unfortunately, it did not come out that nice. but i took it lightly. i must admit it was my fault. i gave up easily when i am almost there. she told me that why do i always quit when i get stressed and encounter difficulties. what she does not realise is that i had enough of stress and difficulties. living my life is already a difficult thing to do. i never had a job that lasted for more than 2 years. i was never lucky with a lot of things even when it comes to family affairs. i belong to a broken family, don't i?! it was not even easy to be the family's bread winner for three years. however, i never complained. i still went on with life and did everything i can to survive. i never even thought of ending my life because i was a very unlucky person. i always think that i just never had the right opportunity and i just have not found what i was looking for. for what that is, i dunno. as i have once told a friend, i will know when i finally find it. i just hope that will be soon... very soon. i hope someone will understand where i am coming from. i am not complaining. just whining as always. i hope you will understand why i had to do this.

you would not believe me how relieved i was when i finally decided to quit. i woke up at peace this morning though, i don't have a job yet. i know deep in my heart i made the right decision because i will never be happy if i did continue. my TM wants to talk to me about my decision however, i refused to. i know they will just encourage me to stay but still cannot guarantee my employment. what's the use?! i just need an assurance. i don't have any doubts on my capabilities i have proven them so many times. i really think i need a change of career. a hotel staff or an english teacher... who knows i just need a new working environment.

btw, there are a lot of things i should be thankful after this very stressful training. one, i lost a lot of weight. thanks to stress and pressure. two, i now type fast. 60-63wpm. before my speed was only average. three, i met new friends. though, i won't see them anymore they will still remain to be my friends. four, i now know how to get to gateway when i commute. five, i now know where to find bottles for collections which i plan to do soon. lastly, i realized that even how strong a person is we can never tell when his strength will disappear. ha?! ano daw?! hehehe...


marchtwentysixtwothousandeight


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i thought i had settled everything about quitting nesting yesterday. i did my part on informing them that i am dropping out however, i received two text messages from my trainer china and tm ton today. china was checking on me and asked why i am not going to work anymore. i told her that i already dropped out and already informed tm euge yesterday. on the other hand, tm ton informed me that he is going to be my tm and asked if i know about the company outing and if i am interested to join. i told him that i know about it however, i am not interested because i already dropped out of nesting. i think they are still trying to save my ass. but i think there's nothing they can do or say that will change my mind. yeah, i had second thoughts of coming back to work but a large part of myself wants to quit badly.

china asked me to submit a resignation letter to tm euge. yeah, i have to write a resignation letter again. i never thought i would this early and i don't understand why i had to. as far as i remember, the training agreement that we signed indicates that there is no employee-employer relationship between us and stellar until we finally get certified. however, i still obliged. so i have to go to stellar tomorrow to submit my resignation letter. anyway, i can go to makati to get my certificate of employment from my previous company.

to be honest, my one month stay at stellar was a real learning experience for both the SST and PST trainings. i learned a lot and I must admit that I also realized a lot of things. Though, I hate to admit it, I feel that this account is not for me. I know long before that I have selective hearing; however, that did not hinder me from being a good Customer Service Rep. Before I thought I am capable of doing anything and that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. However, that is no longer true anymore. This job entails a very big responsibility for the hearing impaired customers and I cannot afford to risk that because i myself have my own “impairment.” I appreciate the concern that they have showed me and for giving me the chance to experience this account. all that i learned from this company will be charged to experience.

bluefrog's closure really made a big impact in my life. to be blunt it made my life miserable. if only they did not close and dismissed us illegally, i won't be experiencing all of these. all the while i thought i will be working there forever. well... that was what i thought because there is no such thing as forever.

marchtwentyseventwothousandeight


Saturday, March 22, 2008

long week

i am getting the hang of things during our practice calls today. though, i messed up big time during the hotseat activity where you have to play as an operator using the projector screen. it was nerve racking. i must say that i was very relaxed during that activity because i know that it is ok to make mistakes. so there, i forgot a lot of things and lost track of my verbatim. my trainer commented "ang sakit sa bangs ng verbatim mo russ". hehehe... i just laughed at my mistakes but i make sure i remember them. kaya siguro nung nagpractice calls na kme i got the hang of it. if there is one thing that bothers me, is my typing. baka maligwak ako dahil dun. wish me luck.

marchseventeentwothousandeight
holy monday

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i passed our final written assessment yesterday. it was open notes. the hell, if i did not it would be a real shame. the only thing i am worried is our test bed tomorrow morning. this is the practical or application assessment for us to move on to the next phase which is nesting. i've been depressed since tuesday. the reason, i am not sure. maybe its the uncertainty of the results of this training. i must admit that i am not confident that i will pass. i need to have this job badly that is why i worked hard for it the past two weeks. i am just not sure on how i will fare during the test bed. i swear among all the accounts i handled the past years i was working in a call center, i find this very difficult. i feel that there are a lot of technicalities that you have to master and all the information thought are too much in a span of 2 weeks. yeah, there is only 1 tool to master however there are a lot of hotkeys to memorize and a lot of techniques on how to handle the call. i remember one of our soft skills trainer saying, there is always a price to pay for something. i must admit she is right. i want a high paying job so i have to pay the price of pressure, stress and difficulty. haayy... ang hirap talagang kumita ng pera.

btw, i am not only worried on how i will do on the test bed itself but if i will be able to physically be there on time. i have to be there on saturday morning 3:30am. i am just afraid i won't get a ride going there. it's black saturday early in the morning. i doubt it if there are jeeps or fx available at that time. i will also have a long day today. i'm sure my mom will tag me along to the church to listen to the seven last words of Jesus. after that, she will not go home yet and stay to attend the mass at 4 or 4:30pm to 5:30 or 6pm. it will not end there yet and she had to watch the procession of the saints' images. because there are a lot of images for the procession, it usually ends at 7pm when finally all of these images had gone out of the church premises to go around the town with all the devotees of each saint images. i don't have anything against it. we've been doing this for years and i don't complain and i am not complaining still. its only that this time, i have to sleep at 6pm and wake up at 12midnight to go to work. i just dunno if my mom will understand. she always thinks that i always make an excuse not to do these things because she told me i am always stubborn when it comes to these things. well, i am not. i just have a lot of things to worry and she cannot blame me. i have to support a family. God knows how difficult it is for me but i am hanging in there and im doing my best to be able to succeed. am i starting to whine again?!

update: i saw it coming. magtatalo kme ng nanay about the activities she planned to do today. i don't want to go on details. i hope someone understands me.

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i caught roxy online last tuesday night. she is one of my good friends way back in my SVI days and we remained as friends even we don't see each other for the past 5 years now. we were able to chat for a few minutes. i am glad she's happy in dubai and that she has all her family with her. good for her. she found a niche in a foreign land. we talked about how i was doing and i told her what happened to my past employment. she offered me to go there and she will help me. i told her i will think about it and that i don't have the money to go there and i would definitely not risk it if i don't have a sure job waiting for me. she understood because she well knows that i am the sole bread winner of my family. she told me to check IPAMS if they have job openings because the agency sent her to dubai without paying anything. to be honest, i am seriously thinking about it. i'd do anything to get a good paying job.

marchtwentyonetwothousandeight
good friday

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sleepy day today. i was not able to get enough sleep last night. buti na lang nakalusot ako sa final assessment namin today. crucial stage na next week. nesting. wish me luck pag d ako nakalusot dito baka makapunta ako ng dubai ng di oras.

marchtwentytwotwothousandeight

Saturday, March 15, 2008

pressure

it had been a week since i started with product training. i must admit i am struggling with some of the lessons especially the call flow. it seemed easy during discussion however, when you start applying all the concepts... wahlah... i don't remember anything. good thing, i was taking notes. i am also struggling memorizing. haayy... i think age is taking it's toll in me. i was used to memorizing when i was still studying. believe me... i used to be a lot smarter than today. i am afraid na lugaw na ang utak ko because of the type of work i used to have. haayy... i hope i pass this and get the job. God speed.

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holy week is starting tomorrow. syempre, may pasok kme. nakakatamad kse everyone's on vacation tapos may pasok ka. kainis. di pa naman kme double pay. at last week na namin for product training and as usual hahatulan ulit kami on friday. i am afraid that i will not pass but i am not afraid to fail. ang labo ba?!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

and the verdict is...

it's 12:34 AM march 6, 2008. in a few hours, i will know my verdict. yeah, today is the judgement day of our soft skills training. i know there is a big possibility that i will pass. however, i am not confident about my typing speed. til now, i am only hitting 58 words per minute. well, that is consistently. i sometimes hit 60-64 wpm but as i have mentioned that is only sometimes. goodluck.

if fate won't be that nice to me later, i still have a fallback. my cousin is offering a part-time job. i can do that for the meantime. i am also thinking of doing part-time teaching. where i am not sure.

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there is something about moms that we (who are not yet moms) don't have. it's the mother's intuition. my mom kept on telling me that since the year started, she felt that i don't want to work anymore. well, as i have previously blogged, this is true. ang galing nya noh?! to think i have not told her about this. :)


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i'm seriously thinking of what to do next. my plan b, c, d, and so on after stellar. i want to put up a business but what kind of business? where will i get the money as capital? mukhang hanggang pangarap na lang ako.

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there is a new hotel that will open soon in our town. i am thinking of applying there. however, i don't have any experience working in a hotel and i'm sure they are going to look for people who have experience. pagkakataon ko na sanang magbago ng career. i guess, i have to wish harder. hehehe...

marchsixtwothousandeight

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finally, the anxiousness i've been feeling since day one and the thought if i will pass the soft skills training was done. luckily, i passed along with 10 co-trainees. thanks to the good Lord. He did not left my side during that day.

it was a long day. our day started at 1pm and we all went home at 1:30 AM. we all waited for the results of everyone else. some received bad news but most of us had smiles on their faces because the hard work paid off. it was just sad that some failed because of some issues with their accent and grammar. its just that the training that was provided for the soft skills was not aligned to what the client wants. they want a neutral accent. those who failed mimicked the accent that they heard in the recordings presented by the trainers and the client was not that pleased with that. that was their only fault. they want the trainees to speak naturally and fluently. good thing, i was not that nervous and i focused on the things i was supposed to do or else, they could have heard my neverending fillers. hehehe...

there was this one co-trainee who is really nice. she kept on commenting about how relaxed i was. she called me monster because i was not showing any sign of nervousness. nakuha ko pa raw antukin samantalang siya ay halos himatayin na sa kaba. they didn't know that i was silently praying that time. i just told them that i was already sleepy and would like to sleep. i prayed that whatever His will, it shall be done. maybe that was also the reason i was so relaxed and confident. i know that whatever the result is, it is His plan and it would be what's best for me.

the interview with the client went well. the interviewer was nice. syempre, kinabahan ako nung naka-upo na ko sa room at kausap ko na ung client over the phone. plus the fact that the room was freezing cold. good thing i had a jacket. he liked the fact the i like neil gaiman. he even asked what are my favorites among his books. the interview lasted for 15-20 minutes i guess. i did not take note of the time anymore. after it was over and done with, i was just so relieved. i really can't describe how it felt. i was not even nervous about the results. i just dunno why i was so confident that day to the extent that i didn't even care what the results will be. all i know was it was done and i can go home in a few hours. however, that didn't happen because after my turn i felt that everyone needs some moral support which i gladly provided.

after finishing 5 people for the first batch, (by the way, i was the third person to be interviewed) they called us for the results. we were called one by one into a room and the results were read to us by 4 people. they were all poker faced. initially, i was asked about how i was feeling. i replied with a casual and confident "i'm good." then, they asked me how do i feel about my performance during the interview with the client. again, i replied with a confident "i think it's ok." oh di ba?! ibang klaseng confidence level ito. afterwards, the girl started to read the comments of the client and the errors i commited and my mispronounced words. i had one misspelled word too during the dictation part and the lady told me that during nesting some trainees are dropped because of that and asked if it's ok with me. at the instance, i felt a tinge of nervousness. just a tinge and only during that time. however, i still replied with my usual walang pakialam tone... "yeah... sure." then, she proceeded and said... so on monday... you will go back for your product training. then, they all started laughing. woah! what a great way of getting punked. hehehe... one of the lady trainers told me to maintain my confidence and share it to everyone else outside. i dunno how i looked and how they felt during that time for her to tell that. maybe i was just so relaxed because i felt that i just have to. ang labo ba?! hehehe...

i am both happy and sad. happy... because most of us passed. sad... because some people were not given a chance to prove themselves because they were dropped from the list. however, if they were only given that chance, i am quite sure that they could have shined. too bad, they were misjudged and they were judged prematurely. life is really unfair.

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i have this one thought that's been bothering me since the other night. i would like to try teaching if given a chance. preferably, speech. i know i have my slips. however, i believe that it can be worked on. i am seriously considering to take a part time job as a speech teacher. the only problem is... if there will be a high school here in our town that will allow me to teach part time while keeping a call center job. hay. there are so many things i would like to do with limited time and resources. tsktsktsk.

marchseventwothousandeight

Sunday, March 02, 2008

long week

i started my training in stellar last monday. i had a long week. i didn't know that traffic was that horrible going to cubao. this is the first time i am going to work there. kaya ayun, tiis lang. instead of taking one straight trip going to araneta center, i had to cut my trip to two short ones so i won't get late. for some odd reason, there are no fx available in the morning so i had to ride a jeepney instead. traffic is always horrible going home. haay. grabe. everyday, i see a different route going home because the fx driver looks for a way to ignore traffic, however, kahit saan ka sumuot may traffic pa rin. tsktsktsk...

the training was fun. may epal nga lang akong classmate. i think he is in his late 40's or early 50's. and i believe may superiority complex sya. i guess i don't have to elaborate further. yun na.

to be honest, mas nag-enjoy ako sa training nung nabawasan kami. the rest were endorsed for interview. if they pass, they move on to the next phase of the training which is product specific training. the list of those to be accelerated were announced last thursday. initially, i was part of the list. ako pa nga ang unang tinawag eh at sobrang nagulat ako. i don't have questions about my capabilities when it comes to my communication skills. however, i still have not met the required 60 words per minute requirement for typing speed to be shortlisted for the interview. so, i spoke with my trainer and told him about it. he told me that he forgot about my typing speed. kaya ayun balik soft skills training ako. :)

wala namang problema sa akin kse d n'yo naitatanong may pagka-O.C. ako. konti lang naman. there are certain things na hindi pwedeng pwede na para sa akin. just like this training. ayoko namang mapag-iwanan ako ng mga kasama ko. meaning, everyone was hitting the required typing speed tapos ako hindi at kulelat. ayoko naman ng ganun. i just felt that if i would be going to war i have to be prepared and not just prepared, but equally prepared just like the enemies i would be facing. e ganun din naman, if you don't pass the interview you will go back to soft skills training. so i'd rather stay to enhance my skills more so i would be well prepared for the interview. since i want this job, i will make sure that after training i am equipped with all the necessary skills that i will need to pass the interview. at gagawin ko lahat ng paraan para ma-achieve ko yung goal na yun. ang arte ko noh?! hehehe...

btw, yoshie passed the interview last friday. congrats dear!

last thursday, kamuntik nang mag-weekend mode ang katawan ko. kse naman d ako sanay pumasok ng 5 days. i had the 12 by 3 sked for 4 months so medyo nanibago ako. sa totoo lang, kahit mas malapit ang cubao sa lugar namin, mas matagal pang bumiyahe papunta dun kumpara sa makati. the only difference is, it is not difficult to get a ride going home unlike in makati and ortigas.

my week did not end last friday. i had to go to the medical city for an ultrasound schedule. yup, it's the routine check-up that i have to do every 6 months. ang gastos nga e. nalagasan na naman ako ng 1,680. wala pa akong trabaho nyan. grabeh. buti na lang may credit card. hehehe...

sorry for the long post. kagaya nga ng kwento ko, i had a long week with matching long days kaya ngayon lang nakapag-post. i hope i will move on to the next phase of this training. i hope i will pass the interview. if not, i know there is a better plan for me. God speed. :)