Thursday, September 30, 2010

bakit lagi na lang akong hindi sapat?


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tears are welling in my eyes for some unknown reason.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

souvenirs

i have never blogged about china since i got back from my first and last trips. i mean, written anything about the trip and all. i posted a few photos though without any captions. too busy and too lazy to do so during that time.

i have decided to write about what i earned/learned during and after the trip instead. so here it goes:

i earned:

- new chinese friends who i will never see again after my last trip
- a few chinese yuan change which i just learned that cannot be exchanged to peso because they only accept 100 and 50. (do you think this should go to the learned list?) souvenirs na lang ng trip.
- a sprained left thumb (dahil sa kakagamit ng tripod sa office/studio) that fails to heal even though it's been almost 4 months.
- a 500GB external hard disk which during its first mission failed to keep my important data. thus, i lost them all.
- 2 chinese visas on my new passport along with the stamps, proof that i went out of the country
- callouse on my feet from walking 8 hours a day for 1 week during the jinhan and canton fairs na hindi ko pa napapafoot spa kse pambili na lang ng pagkain kesa ilaan pa dun.
- a mini planetary sharpener which i've always wanted to have since i was young.
- a bunchful of memories about the place that when i look back will always make me smile


i learned that:

- chinese people will still try to communicate with you even if you cannot understand each other (applies to non-english speaking chinese people only) and that they are happy people.
- i can live eating super oily foods with sesame oil everyday.
- i can walk back and forth in a place 8 times bigger than SM Megamall for 8 hours a day for 1 week.
- i can live wearing the same jeans without washing it for almost a month. hindi naman ako nangati.
- i suck in design (designing) in every aspect of it and if i would like to get serious in it i need to break my back to get good at it. or perhaps i would never be because i never had it in me in the first place.
- what you perceive is not what really it is.
- you might have done everything that you can but you will still never be good enough
- i can actually learn photoshop if i will just allot time to it.
- adventure is good but not too much.
- i can't get the things i wanted the most even if i waited for 10 long years for it. maybe it's time to give it up because it will always remain as it is, a dream.

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overall, it was a great experience. though, it had a sad ending. but still i am thankful for the opportunity and the realization na kunyaring artist lang pala ako. hehehe... for now, i need to move on. charge to experience na lang lahat ng nangyari. :D

Saturday, September 11, 2010

which way now?

being jobless made me think a lot lately. what is it that i really want to do with my life and which direction to take?

the past years of my life were just focused on how i can earn money and support my mom. that's it. i did not come from a rich family so i need to work hard to earn a living. i once dreamt of becoming a nurse when i was really young. but when i discovered that i have an interest in the arts, i thought of taking up fine arts in college. but was later on discouraged by my parents because they wanted something stable for me in the future. so i ended up taking development studies in college in my dream university. i tried to shift to civil engineering on my 2nd year but did not make it. i also tried to shift to geology during my 3rd year but still to no avail. so, i got stuck with the course and eventually finished it in 4 years.

after college, i went straight to work in a local telephone company here in our town. worked there for 3 months and left because of issues with the boss. bummed for 7 months. during that time it was still okay to be jobless because we still have my dad financially supporting us. i was called again by the local telephone company to work for them but in a different branch so i obliged. i worked there for almost 3 years under contract and eventually got axed because the new boss did not like me. that is how my call center career started. i badly need a job because my dad refused to give any financial support after a few months of leaving the house.

i worked as a telemarketer for 4 months i think. then i transferred to a new company because selling is not my thing. worked there for 2 years. i left because i got very sickly because of the schedule. jumped to one company to another. it is either because it went bankrupt or i had issues again with the bosses or the work itself. until, one day, i got out of the call center side of the company. it was so liberating in a way that i have normal working hours and rest days which i was not able to experience for 7 long years. i stayed there for 2 years. as usual i had issues with the boss again and an opportunity came so i grabbed it. which eventually led to my unemployment. one thing that i realized after working for a lot of companies, i also earned a lot of friends who i treasure up until now. we may not see each other frequently but i know that i will always have a friend in them.

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e bakit ko ba sinusulat ang lahat ng to? pinapraktis ko lang ang ingles ko. kinakalawang na e. pero seryoso... sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam. ang alam ko lang sa lahat ng desisyong ginawa ko sa buhay ko ni minsan hindi ako nagsisi. alam kong marami akong palpak na desisyon na ginawa, pero sabi nga nung dating team leader ko, it is better to make a wrong decision now than to make no decision at all. natatandaan ko rin nung nag-lateral transfer ako sa marketing na kinakatakutan ung kanong boss, may nagsabi sa akin na ang tapang ko raw. sabi ko, sooner or later kailangan ko ring harapin ung kinakatakutan ko, mas gusto ko lang na ngayon na kesa sa hinaharap pa. maraming taon din kse akong natakot at laging ung safe lang ang pinipili. nakakapagod na rin kse.

hindi naman siguro masamang mangarap at maghangad ng mas magandang buhay para sa nanay ko. yun lang naman ang gusto ko. pero napasama pa ata ung paghahangad ko na yun. imbes na magkaroon ng mas marami e mas lalo pang nawalan. ang dalangin ko na lang e sana magkatrabaho na ako sa mga susunod na araw. ung trabahong pang-matagalan na at di ko na kailangang umalis at maghanap ng iba kse nauubusan na ako ng oras.

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yup. i am still lost and no one has come to find me. poor me.


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random thoughts. please excuse my grammar.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

3 months

it is indeed getting depressing now. 3 months of unemployment is no joke. lalo na kung maraming bills na dapat bayaran. i currently have a part time job at home pero kulang pang pambayad ng bills ang kita. i've applied to a lot of jobs already since june but up until now wala pa rin. i passed the kgb agent certification pero i don't have funds para makapaglakad ng requirements at pumunta sa office nila. yung last pay ko from my previous employer until now hindi pa naaayos. hindi ko alam til when to pero sana naman makita ko na ung hinahanap ko.