changes

it sounds like a title of a song. hehehe... i've been missing blogging. i rarely had time to write anything at all because i am too pre-occupied with a lot of things. work has been pretty challenging lately and now it just got more challenging and complicated. this is already a cliche but i think this summarizes what is happening at work right now: there's nothing permanent in this world but change. hay... will try to blog more. i hope i'll find time. hehehe...

update

it has been a week since i was transfered to a level 2 position. i only had 1 rest day per week so far. not a problem, its extra pay and the work is easy though time consuming. i'd like to say that i have already adjusted to this but here comes a new challenge. we were given a new task that is out of our job description. will go to details soon. for now, wish me luck.

goodbye... hello

today is the first day i officially said goodbye to taking in calls. i was a bit shocked yesterday that i will be transfered to a level 2 position and will be doing an entirely different thing that is very sensitive, delicate and dangerous. sensitive and delicate because we are handling sensitive billing info of the customers... dangerous bec i might not even reach the day of my regularization doing this job. hehehe... i'm pretty sure you know what i am trying to say. :)

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i barely had sleep yesterday because they had to immediately train us to cover the position that were vacated by some colleagues for reasons the management only knows. to be honest, i have a slight clue about that reason; however, i'd rather not go into details. i would like to think that things are going well on my way here however, i can't help but think that my ex-colleagues' fate might be mine soon, too. i just hope that i get to stay until december. that's all that i ask for. God speed. :)

reunion with ghee

these pictures are long overdue for posting. since i don't have a digicam, i had to wait for my friend to upload the pics first. thanks yoshie for the upload! hehehe... so here are some of the pictures. enjoy!

demoralized

i am in a state of limbo. a feeling of nausea engulfs me. if only i can shut off my senses and pretend i am not affected, i am sure i already did. but i feel otherwise. i can feel the chaos all over deeply penetrating into my senses. i've been trying so hard to shake it off, unfortunately, it sticks like a superglue and does not have any plans of leaving soon. i've been trying so hard that i finally i've reached the end of my line. my final button had been pushed and i have made my decision. i am leaving soon who knows when but for sure i will.

dance videos

dismayed

my head is spinning and i am confused. all i am feeling is dismal. i am starting to get discouraged... and demoralized.

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i do not like what is happening. the comfortable next to home, peaceful, harmonious and fun environment that i used to hear and had experienced for a few weeks no longer exists. the place is beginning to feel odd and suffocating like a place no one would like to stay even for a minute. i am beginning to feel discomfort. it's like walking on a thin glass that will break anytime you take a wrong step. i am trying hard to shake it off but until when? i guess until the day comes that i have to leave because they forced me to.

lord, please grant me the strength i need to surpass all of these. i cannot fail this time. i should not fail. amen.

why don't i feel it?!!

disclaimer: please pardon my grammar in this post. i have not double checked this entry. i just felt the need of posting a new entry today. so please forgive me if i had some mistakes. will fix this asap. thanks. :)

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i am staring in front of my computer trying to weave something sensible out of my brain to post here but i cannot think of anything. if i am not mistaken, it's been a month or less since the last time i posted an entry. i would like to think that i intentionally did that but it's otherwise. i had a few things to blog about but i am not sure how to write it. so please forgive me if this entry won't make any sense just like my other previous entries. hehehe...

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my friend from dubai came back to the philippines last wednesday night and i am glad that i got to hear her voice again. she called me on thursday afternoon and to be honest, i did not recognize her voice. boy, it's been 4 and a half years since the last time i heard her voice. i only got to see her in pictures. she invited us to dinner or should i say late night dinner last saturday (july 19). it was a fun night. we spent the night catching up with each other and reminiscing the old times. we were laughing hard. it was a really fun night. one reason, i had a hard time leaving early the group. so i did not mind even if i will arrive home at 5am and that my mom will scold me for going home early in the morning. oh yeah, she still gets angry with me at times for doing things like this. to her, i am still her little daughter. hehehe... we were with our group of friends whom we all met in one of the call centers we worked for in 2003. we just worked together for a few months and yet, the bond we shared is that of friends who've been together for several years. i dunno why but it's just like that. i remember a colleague of ours said that our friendship will only last up to the time that we are still together at work. but he was proven wrong because we already surpassed that. it's been 5 years since then. though, we rarely had time to see each other, our bond is still the same and i believe getting stronger.

let's drop her name. she's rox. everybody loves her because she is such an amiable person. i remember her teary eyed when i resigned from our office in 2004 to transfer to another call center. i can say that she did not change a bit. she is the same bubbly person i used to remember. she still laughs her heart out whenever she finds a joke funny. she still has some issues with her hearing just like before. hehehe... i just realized i missed her that much.

will post our pics when i finally get it. :)

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i should be happy today or should i say elated. i am the number agent for our team in terms of quality scores for this week. i surpassed the top agent of our team and the entire site for the longest time. i didn't expect this. i know i deserve it because i worked hard for it. however, i am feeling nothing. don't get me wrong i am so thankful to our dear Lord about what happened because i have been praying for it. but i think i am feeling the pressure more of surpassing the score i currently have and the consistency of my performance. i just dunno. i know our dear Lord will not fail me. God speed.

it's been a while since the last time a posted an entry. i just don't have time to write my thoughts lately. or maybe because i am too drained to write my thoughts. so here i am trying my best if i can weave something sensible out of my head. hehehe...

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there are a few things that are making me look forward to this month. one, after 5 long years, i will see a good friend again. she worked in dubai for the past 5 years and she's coming back home finally. two, another good friend from canada is coming home this month. however, i will only get to see her in august because she has a full schedule for her entire stay here. and lastly, my team lead told me that i am going to be transferred to a new account because of my good performance. and i think i am the only who would be handling that in our team. i believe that this is a good sign. i hope everything works well.

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i have a feeling that good things are starting to come my way. i just hope they are here to stay. God speed. :)

thoughts

i am starting to understand why there are a lot of people leaving. to be very honest, i am getting one hell of a valid reason to be discouraged everyday. though, i am still studying the situation and i am just waiting for the judgment day. i am having doubts but still i would like to know where all of these will lead me. i'm sure i'll find the answers soon. i hope it's something beneficial to all of us. i also hope that i'll finally find what i've long been looking for. something i truly deserve.

junefourtwothousandeight
seventwentyone am

update

after a week of nesting, we had a new casualty. yeah, she decided to leave and move to a company that will give her a better shift. she had been my bff (best friend forever) since day one or should i say since the day we had passed our final interview. we've been seatmates and we often talk about our views and other stuff and we usually go home together, too. it was just sad that i had to say goodbye to her this early. we instantly clicked maybe because we are almost of the same age. haay... sad. i was not able to convince her to stay because i understand her reasons. to put it bluntly, been there, done that. to be honest, i am not sure about this job, too. however, i am willing to take the risk and step up for the challenge. the only thing i know is that i need this job and i have to stick with it for now. i'm sure i won't think twice if something better comes my way soon. but for now, i definitely think that i should stay.

it's just sad that after next week, i will be letting go of some more people i've grown to be friends with. i have to put up with the challenge of fitting in and making friends again. haay...

maythirtyonetwothousandeight
seventhirtyseven am

sad

12 days. we had a lot of fun. we had a cool group. everybody has his own funny bone to boast. now, it was all over and we had to move on. it saddens me because there is a big possibility that we won't be seeing two people anymore and also the fact that they had to go on their own separate ways with unsolved issues with each other. i am concerned about the friendship that was at stake. it saddens me that they had to end up like that. i hope they can fix things if not now, maybe soon.

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training was over and nesting will start on monday. i am feeling a lot of pressure because my trainer told the owner of the company that i was the topnotcher in her class. yeah, the owner of the company was there during our graduation last friday. he awarded our certificates of completion and got to shake his hands. oh, by the way, the owner is Dan Pena. according to them, he is a very rich guy. i did not expect to be the number 1 in class, all i wanted was to pass the training. fortunately, i did with a big bonus... the pressure of high expectations on my shoulders. well, if you can call it a bonus. but knowing myself, i am sure i will take this as a challenge. whew! i hope i could meet those expectations. god speed.

maytwentyfourtwothousandeight
twelvenoon

last glimpse of a good friend

yesterday, i said goodbye to my very reliable friend for 5 years. i just sold my dearest camera to my older bro. it seems that he needs it that much that he insisted on buying the camera though it is already out-dated. btw, my camera is digital and though it has a low megapixel count, i can say that it takes good pictures. i'm sure my friends will agree to that. you may ask if i already have a replacement camera. my answer, no. i had to sell it due to financial reasons. actually, i am selling all of the gadgets (well, i only have a digi cam and a nano ipod) just to have some money for our daily needs. yup, that's how broke i am. i've been in training for a week now and we won't get paid til the end of the month. i guess, this transaction is just in time. i felt a tinge of sadness in letting go of my dearest friend. however, i had to and i don't have much of a choice. i just hope that one day i get to go back to what i really enjoy doing and finally find that happiness i've been long looking for. the kind of happiness one gets when they love what they are doing.

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it's been a week since i started training for this new company i am working for. training as always is fun. however, i heard a few news that a lot of people from the trainers to the IT personnel are going to resign from the company. this made me think. i cannot shake off the thought. i'm pretty sure there must be something wrong. if not i'm sure they are not going to leave. i am still weighing things and if ever i decide not to continue, i hope i'd find what i am looking for. god speed.

training again

i didn't do anything at all. or maybe that was my fault? why do you always make me feel miserable? why do i always get the blame? am i the bad guy? why are you always pointing your fingers to me? why is it always my fault? i am not your punching bag.

i often choose not to say anything because i know if i start talking i'll get misinterpreted and the short story will be a ten chapter novel that will be reviewed whenever you feel like it. believe me it was an everyday emotional torture until it stops. i wonder how i still get to stay sane. i rarely talk because i know i will only hurt people when i do because more often than not what i say is true. to be honest, i've been bearing with you. i am sticking with you not because of what i am getting from you but because you are my responsibility. how i wish that you realize that you had hurt me several times before whenever you accuse me of things i did not do or whenever you misinterpret and wrong me. worst, you would not accept any further explanation. but i always choose to forget and leave those behind.

you cannot blame me if i choose to feel nothing. to be numb. you cannot blame me that i did not do my part because in my heart i know i did. you just don't see it. i dunno why. you are too pre-occupied with your own miseries that you want me to be miserable, too. believe me or not, i am willing to share your miseries if only you approach me differently. if only you would understand how i feel. if only you would put yourself in my shoes. if only you would master the art of playing numb to all your problems, i am sure you will fully understand my personality.

most of the time, i dared not to explain because your mind is closed to all explanations. often times, i don't even know how to reach you. it seems that we are merely co-existing because we have to. i know we had fallen apart a long time ago because you often judge me. however, i still respected you and i strived hard to gain your approval. i can say that it was my fault because i just let it be. you often say that i don't appreciate what you do. i do and i will be very thankful for that for the rest of my life but the question is... do you appreciate me? they say life is a mirror. you get what you give. i know you had given a lot, but did you ever notice that i had given a lot, too? we are both inexpressive people (not including expressing anger often directed to me) i am sure you had noticed. so don't expect any outpour of emotions from me. this is me, the end result of your molding.

i tried to talk but i was misinterpreted and wronged so i decided to shut up. i know it is not the right option but this had been the case since time immemorial. my opinion does not matter anyway. for me, silence does not always mean yes. it is always giving way. i just hope this silence will echo to your heart and hear the heed of its deepness. i still and will always wish you well.


maysixtwothousandeight
onethree am

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i started training in izone today. it feels weird. hehehe... training will be for 12 days. i hope i'll survive. hehehe...

nice phone

finally

within this month i'll be starting to work again. finally, i found a job. i hope this will be my niche in the coming years. wish me luck kids. :)

i had been job hunting for two consecutive days and up until now, i am still jobless. karma... i think. hehehe...

last thursday, i decided to apply for an email support position in transcom asia in pasig city just beside tiendesitas. the application process went well... i guess. however, i had to spend about 8 hours to finish the process. as expected, there were a lot of applicants hoping to get a job. sad to say, there are a lot of people still jobless and hoping they would be shortlisted for the position. that includes me of course. hehehe...

i ended up going home left hanging because i do not know if i passed or not. sandra, the hr personnel who interviewed me and assisted me for my final test, told me that i may go home after i'm done with the exam. during the interview, she told me that if i pass the email exam which was the last test i did, they will just call me because they still don't have any training schedule for their email account. tough luck.

good thing, i saw an ex-officemate who was applying there, too. we had the chance to talk and he gave me prospective companies where i can apply. the next day, i went to those addresses. to my dismay, they do not process applications immediately and was only asked to leave my resume. haay. what a waste of time, money and effort. but it was fine, i ended up seeing abba because she needed help fixing the soundcard of her laptop. it was also a good opportunity to see each other and catch up.

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before i left abba's cafe last friday, she asked me to check for the price of tarpaulin printing here in our town. i dropped by a printing shop near the national road and to my surprise i saw my brother. he had not contacted us, my mom and me, for almost a year now. he got himself into some trouble that we don't exactly know the details and went hiding in the provinces where our relatives were.

yeah, he is the total opposite of me. he used to be a seminarian and after two or three years, he went out and decided to get married. he is a very adventurous person. he can do whatever he wants and go to places he wanted to go. he is not afraid to mess up and does not care whoever gets affected. he has his own ways. if he wants out, he's out. no thinking twice. just like when he finally decided to get out of his own marriage after two or three years i think. even if he has a two year old daughter who will be left in between. he decided to leave my mom at the height of our family problem and does not want to do anything with us while i decided to stay with her. though, there are few things that we agree upon like our interest in visual arts. i'm afraid that is the only one.

so much about that, so i talked with my brother, asked him a few questions. i was a bit pissed on how he reacted and answered my questions. one liner. not his normal self because he is a very talkative person well... for a guy.

i just told him that there was a package for him at home and that it includes a shirt. at first he was not interested with it and since there was nothing else to say, i bid him goodbye. when i reached home, i received a text message from him asking for the shirt. he asked me to bring the shirt out and he will pick it up. and so he did, he didn't even exerted any effort to see my mom. not even a peek. haayy... i just felt bad how he treated my mom. oh well... what can i do?! he would never listen to me. i tried to talk to him about things but he got angry and would not want to talk with me anymore. haayy...

apriltwentyonetwothousandeight

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my mom and i had been clearing our house with our old stuff. i had posted here about the old books that we sorted and other piles of paper that i used during highschool. last tuesday, i'd decided to clear my college stuff. yup, tons and tons of photocopied books and notes from my other classmates. i was wondering how much money did i spend for a lot of photocopied paper. of course, my mom and i are hoping that we can sell all of them. while going over my college things, i found a few pieces of paper that had to be spared from being sold. there was this one article that i started writing in 1997 or 1998 but was only finished in 2003. it was about my friend and my story. i must admit it was a mushy article. when i started writing it, i felt that our friendship was drifting apart. basta... it is mushy however, i'd decided to end it optimistically in 2003 because the issue had passed and i already had a deep understanding of how friendship should be. so there... i just find it funny how i used to write a few years back. the sentences were so flowery when i can just write it plain and simple, direct to the point. maybe blogging and reading different novels helped me a lot in developing my writing skill. or maybe it is maturity. however, i still cannot say that i am a good writer. all i am saying is that i had improved. that's it. btw, i will try to post the article soon. i just had to revise it. hehehe...

apriltwentyfourtwothousandeight

i miss...

it had been weeks since i last posted. i haven't been writing, too. maybe because there is nothing to write about. i have a boring life to begin with so what do you expect? boring posts i guess. :)
i'd like to think that i had finally recovered from my depression. it lasted for more than a month i think. though, i had a short divertion when i trained in stellar. to be honest, as i am writing this, i only have four pesos in my coin purse and 3000 korean won in my wallet if you can call those money. :) i have never been this broke all my life but it feels funny that i feel okay. though, of course, at the back of my head, i am hoping i would get a job soon... really soon.

last friday, i finally had the courage to submit my application to the picture company. they have a job opening for creative portrait photographer if i remember the position correctly. the requirements pretty much fit someone like me who is an enthusiast and has a lot of learning to do. so there, i sent out my application thru jobstreet. however, up until now i have not heard from them. so i am planning to apply for a call center post again probably tuesday. haay... i was badly hoping that i would not go back. however, i think this is the only opportunity available and unfortunately, with no choice left, i had to take it.

it's been three months of unemployment and my mom is not liking it anymore. whenever we have small talks, the conversation will end up in a not so nice way boiling down to me not having a job and that i am complacent about it. so most of the time i tend to avoid these small talks. but hey, what can i do? we share the same small space and i cannot avoid her all day. haayy...

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i miss...

working

facing a pc for long hours

the unlimited internet surfing

being in an airconditioned room

abba and yoshie

baked penne, chicken dijon, blueberry cheesecake and peppermint iced tea from crib

starbucks

ayala avenue and its buildings

long fx rides

elevator rides

i miss a lot of things. i cannot even blog real time because i am deprived of a broadband connection. haay... i am such a loser. this is how financially challenged i am. i don't even know until when i will have prepaid load for my phone. this is too much and i have to do something about it. wish me luck.

aprilthirteentwothousandeight

eleventenpm

something to smile about

yesterday, my mom and i decided to clean up and check the boxes of our old school books if we can sell them. i found some old photos with my classmates. you won't believe how skinny i was. here are some of the photos:

funny because it brought back a lot of memories. hehehe...

this picture made me really smile because i can still remember how my friend teased me with this guy classmate. we were often seen together because we were working on some art project for the entire class and we were the leaders. you know. art stuff that was our expertise. hehehe...

aprilthreetwothousandeight

i had a tiring day today. i went to see my surgeon for my quarterly check up. arrived there at 10:45am just to find out that their clinic hours during fridays is not until 3:00pm. great. so i left and proceeded to cubao area to submit my resignation letter as requested by china. i left it to the guards and texted my tm informing her that i left my resignation letter there. to my surprise, my co-trainee texted me that i was tagged with "no call no show" by workforce according to our tm. i was just wondering why i was tagged as such when i informed my tm in charge and my trainer that i already dropped out. ang labo. now i am convinced that there is really something wrong with their process. just like how chaotic the first day of SST was. haayyy... the first thing that came to my mind was if i will get my training allowance. so i texted an ex-officemate who works there as workforce. i informed her about the situation and assured me that i should get my allowance because they do not process our payroll yet since i was not yet certified. haay, salamat naman. so there... dumiretso nako sa makati after to get COE from my previous employer. kaya lang they refused to release any document kse nga raw the company does not exist anymore. sayang na naman ang pagod at pamasahe ko ang init pa naman. balik na naman ako sa duktor ko para sa check up. he just got the results of my recent ultrasound tapos... tapos na. wala pa atang 5 minutes un tapos i had to pay 500 na for that. wow! sana pala nagduktor na rin lang ako at least madali ang pera. pero wala rin naman kaming perang pangtustos sa medicine na course kaya it would be best to drop that thought.

i received a text message from someone today inquiring if my ipod nano is still for sale. he is interested with it however, having 2nd thoughts because he saw a 2nd gen ipod nano also for sale for the same selling price. i hope he buys it i badly need cash.

grabeh! puro na lang problema kelan kaya matatapos toh?! alam kong nagwoworry na ang nanay. our resources are fast depleting. i hope i can get a new job asap or if possible sana makalipad ako agad sa dubai sa tulong ni rox. God speed.

marchtwentyeighttwothousandeight

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i received some good news from my ex-co-trainee today. first, she confirmed that i should be able to get my training allowance by april 5 though, workforce tagged me "no call no show" which is equivalent to termination. second, that everyone passed the nesting period. sayang daw, sana itinuloy ko na lang. i must admit that there is a small part of me that doubts my decision last tuesday. what if i continued? what if i passed? i should already have a good paying job and i should have not made my mom worry again about our financial situation. well... i still cannot tell. anything can happen and i am still sure up to this moment that i won't be that happy even if i passed even if i am already getting 23k worth of salary. i am not sure why i cannot explain my main reason of quitting... why i want out... all i know is that there is something wrong and there is something heavy in my heart that i carry whenever i go to work. maybe my mind is set that i would like to try my luck somewhere else. that i have to find my niche and definitely that's not the call center industry anymore... that i want to be out of the call center industry even for whatever consequences it may entail. though, i might get a lower paying job and keep more than one job, i really don't care now. all for the sake of having a normal life i guess. alam ko malabo. alam ko magulo. before all i want was to get a good paying job so i can give my mom a better life and now, i am taking that opportunity for granted. i almost had the best paying job i'd ever had but i let it slip away because i am a coward... i must admit that i hate uncertainties at this point of my life... believe me i used to be a lot braver but due to some unexpected turn of events i dunno why i am showing weakness at this point. i should be more brave than ever because i have a bigger responsibility now but i am not. maybe i am not that strong enough. i guess, i am tired. most part of my life was spent on fighting for something i do not know. all i know is i've been fighting an invisible enemy for years and up until now that battle has not yet been won. i am not even sure about my chances in this battle.

there are a lot of things running in my head right now and i just need to assure myself that i made the right decisions in the past 29 years of my life. that my life was not a waste and that there's still hope that all i dreamt of having for my mom will still come true. that i am not a disappointment just like what my dad thinks.

i might show an impression that i am someone who does not have any ambition in life and very carefree but the truth is i am not. i guess the right opportunity has not yet come or better yet i was just never given a chance to shine. or maybe i am looking too far that i miss out the right opportunities offered. i dunno. all i know is that God has a plan for each one of us and it is our task to find that plan in our life time. i hope i find it soon before i run out of time. i must admit that i play numb most of the time. i refuse to feel any emotions. i live by the moment and puts everything in fate's hands. kaya madalas akong napagkakamalang walang pakialam. im not sure if i already wrote about this before but this is my way of coping because if i dont for sure i'm going to be insane.

im not sure if i have a logical train of thought with this entry. i dunno if i am making any sense, too. all i know is i am thankful to this medium that i get to pour out my thoughts and feelings even if i dunno who reads it. i just hope that i make you realize how lucky you are given that you have found what you are looking for. as for me, i still dunno where life will lead me. all i am hoping for is that i find what i am looking for very soon for i am not getting any younger and i want my mom to experience a better life the sooner possible time because she had enough of hardships and i definitely think it's time to give her a break.

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i have something to confess. i have this fear that i might discover i have a serious disease. i have been noticing some unusual body habits of mine the past months. it all started last february and i am just afraid that its serious. i am keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard that i am just being praning.

marchtwentyninetwothousandeight
elevenfiftyfivepostmeridiantime

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i've been writing more frequently than ever. maybe because i am being too emotional the past few days that i no longer think straight. forgive me for being so melodramatic. i guess the true me is surfacing now. btw, will someone tell me i made the right decision?!

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what i don't know won't hurt me... that is what i always tell myself. play numb about a lot of things... as always... my scape goat. i'm sure i would pass for a scape artist if given a chance. some people would say i am a strong person but in fact it was just a mask.

a few hours back today, i saw my younger "brother"... yeah, i thought i was the youngest, too. well, that was what i thought a few years back. i've been hearing about this from my mom and my older brother before but i just don't care. as i have mentioned, what i don't know won't hurt me or at least what i haven't seen. but it's different when you see the kid with your own eyes. the favored kid over us, the legitimate kids. tsktsktsk... he was being taken cared of by my dad's relatives. to remind you guys, my mom and i lives in a compound with my dad's relatives as neighbors. great, isn't it. old wounds are once again fresh... tsktsktsk...

i know my mom is the most affected by this. i know she is still hurting eventhough, it has been more than 4 years. she wants to leave this place asap. great timing isn't it?! ngayon pang wala akong trabaho. but where are we going to go?! we don't have any place to go and money to spend. kainis. sobra nang kamalasan toh! ewan ko ba?!

marchthirtytwothousandeight